Cecilia got Tempest.

;meaning storm. You have a bit of a short temper but you aren't mean. You are passionate as well as bold and daring. You enjoy taking risks even if it means putting yourself in harms way. You believe in necessary evils. You are a strong, provocative individual, not afraid to stir things up for a good cause.

uncover, discover, discard

Addicted

I've lost the ability to write day to day honestly, and yet all I want to do is write here. Help here. I just constantly need a time and place to expose my feelings, and I understand that others do too.


‎"I do not say what I do because I often believe in the message, rather, I say what I do to get through to you, so you do not have to see what I have seen so you do not have to feel what I have felt." -Onision

Day 56: I'm Taking a Vacay From Life

I will not be posting on the blog for the next week (more than likely) and would like to give you a heads up. I will not apologize, I need some time away from the computer, and so do you. Turn it off and take a day away from it all. Go enjoy your family, silence. Xoxo

Talk to you all soon
Love Cecilia

Day 55: Restless Impatience

It seems like I'm always stressing or thinking about something, whether it be school, money or the future. There is a sense of workaholism that causes such a strong remorse in the "being" human in me. And I guess there is nothing I can do about it, because according to this society, if I relax, I'm not living, nor am I being a productive member or society. We should be allowed to relax, take breaks, take time to reflect, but alas I go through the motions of "wasting my time" with this blog. So many people may think this is nothing but a waste of time. This is my time to think, time to spend with myself.

So, dear society, EF off, we're tired.
Love University Students

Day 54: Decisions.

I'm inside out, my beliefs are in doubt. Shadowed with apathy and ignorance, I shall siege a future that has beckoned for an alliance with change. Please, let me make the right choice

I graduate from Nipissing University this summer... and I have to pick a college program, choose my future by the consent, a check mark on, of an application. I hope I make the right choice. I think I'm going to choose Mental Health and Addictions. I have so much interest in the abnormal and bleak. Perhaps life will afford me my desired position in life. Let me have the strength to rise about my self inflicted confines.




You can see right through me, I see just the surface.

Day 53: Things That Mean the World to Me.

The painting above is probably my most treasured item that does not involve bereavement. The artists name is Angelina Wrona, a very talented Canadian, and the painting is titled "Doin' the Dishes". There is something in the eyes of this girl. I walked past this painting in a local frame shop countless times, and I literally stopped in awe each time, I would be coming home from work and I would just stand and look at her face. I see a lot of myself in this woman, a fragile, seductive, insecure girl who has the self-confidence to do the dishes at home in her underwear. It's almost as if we are more confident with ourselves without the questioning and hardened eyes of society. I don't know what the inspiration of this painting was, but I named her "Ellie" and I honestly think she will be with me the rest of my life on this earth, and I hope she gets passed down though my families, and I hope others find the beauty in her.

The painting is a print of the work, it is roughly 4.5 feet by 2.5 feet and was framed in North Bay Ontario.

Day 52: Horrible Essay for Philosophy.

The Acquisition of Reason, Animals versus Man.

There is a difference between man and animal. Although man and animals have many physiological similarities there seems to be an unmeasurable difference in our intellectual anthropocentric thought. Man seems to have a sense of “self” and animals have an innate drive for behaviour. The concern of what makes a human different from any other animal is a question that great philosophers, sociologists, psychologists, linguists, and the humble folk often partake discussion in. Some may believe that perhaps there are animals that make choices and seem to have a free will, especially regarding as to when and how they choose to act. However, some theorists have been forced to determine what it is to be “human” as a separate self-aware entity to distinguished and discern the difference between what it is to be a primitive animal whose actions are predisposed in their genetic makeup and survivalist technique, and that of human reason and intellectualization of our earth. We see theorists such as Rene Descartes and Thomas Hobbes who were concrete in their beliefs that there is something specific that allows for a differentiation between man and animal, and this being reason, is different between them. Hobbes and Descartes both being born in the late 1500s had very similar views on the differences between man and animal, both discuss reason and motivation in actions of man, and the lack of reason and motivation in animals.

Rene Descartes discussed reason with the foundation of his scientific discipline and experience, attempting to create a deductive linear method hoping to lay a reliable foundation for which he can build upon true belief or absolute knowledge. Descartes spent his whole life “cultivating [his] reason and advancing, as far as [he] could, in the knowledge of the truth, following the method [he] had prescribed” and after finding education insufficient in fulfilling his needs and causing him to feel more of a sense of ignorance than knowledge itself he moved onto the critical analysis of the difference between man and animal(15). By presenting his methods he also discussed the lack of reason, or the availabilities of animals to construct a concept such as his method. Descartes saw animals as “automata” with the movement being caused by “ placement, and shape of its counterweights and wheels.”, and that animals worked such as a machine, devoid of a Will and Reason (28) And that although animals have senses the passions of the body can be guided, but passions of the mind require a Will. Descartes believed that animals could never learn to construct language like humans do because they lacked reason. Explaining that although animals have very similar “internal arrangements of [their] organs” to humans but that God while building animals may have not pit into them any rational soul. Descartes believed that it was this rational soul that aided in the action of thinking. He believe that the contingencies of life would inevitably allow animals to fail to portray reason or intelligence similar to that of humans. And that it's not the physiology that limits animals from speaking as we do, they seem to lack what Descartes again calls “the rational soul”.

Descartes's theories seem to stand on the foundation of his belief in God. Descartes did not believe that humans acquired knowledge but that it was given to them by a “nature truly more perfect than [him]”. Although he does provide a well informed discussion on the possible existence of a God, using knowledge available during his lifetime. However, in proving that God must exist, he leaves himself for a lot of critique. By placing his knowledge in the hands of his fate and concluding that “God created a rational soul and joined it to this body in a particular manner”, it leaves further discussion regarding science somewhat out of place. Scientific discussion of neural mechanisms, or what could be further discussed as the instance of a soul unfortunately came after Descartes. The reason I see such a bridge of because it seems as though he would have been highly susceptible to using science and math as a huge part of his theories or discussions of a rational soul. This belief in God is what separates Rene Descartes from contemporaries such as Thomas Hobbes.

Hobbes explains as well that reason is the distinguishing feature but not only that, that humans have an ability to dominate other animals. And it is by reason alone that this is possible.

“we call the Will the act (not the faculty) of willing.”. According to Hobbes the act of willing, or voluntary action on precedes deliberation. Hobbes discussion on Appetites and Aversions helps to make a strong case for the difference between voluntary and involuntary actions. Actions following deliberation with ideas such as covetousness, ambition, lust or other appetites” are often voluntary actions. Actions that follow deliberation with appetites or aversions such as “food, excretion and exoneration” may be considered involuntary and may be caused by innate needs that must be fulfilled in order to survive(12). Something else that separates man from animal is the desire to know “why, and how” and this desire alone allows humans to place a buffer between even their involuntary innate acts, which makes man distinguished, not only by his reason, but also by this singular passion from other animals.”(31). This curiosity paired with the availability to perform voluntary action allows man to have the choice to omit or according to our appetite or aversion. This sense of voluntary action gives man the illusion of control causes the necessity to control other animals, and alike other humans.

Hobbes explains that the reason that man needs a sense of control is simply due to the fact that “[man] cannot be content with a moderate power, but [only] because he cannot assure the power and means to live well” and given that others are constantly fighting for control over the necessities of life man cannot find contentment “without the acquisition of more.” (20). Hobbes believed that the purpose of a mans life is to focus on the “preservation of his own nature”, and that a man must do anything in his control to ensure his life, by using “his own judgement and reason”(25). All animals look to preserve their lives and commonly will avoid danger if the awareness of potentiality is present however, for humans Hobbes explains that the concept of the preservation of self is primarily a humanistic idea and that there is only an “artificial . . . covenant” between humans that serves to protect us from one another. So, although, there seems to be a significant amount of similarities between Descartes's and Hobbes's perspectives on animals, man and reason one must compare and contrast them in order to determine the most “correct” theory.

Both Hobbes and Descartes seem to avoid a concept of anthropocentrism, as to not be guilty of a fallacy, however, I see a quite large fault with both theories, and that is the assumption that animals are very dissimilar from humans in respect to intellectual reasoning. Hobbes himself explains that animals are capable of deliberation and that this ability to deliberate is what aids humans in the opportunity to omit from certain appetites and aversions. However, I'd like to discuss Hobbes more in respect to this concept of deliberation, I would like to discuss Hobbes's concept of the Will, for he says that animals deliberate as well but than gives inward expressions of the Will such as covetousness, ambition and lust that we can not see in an outward manner, for I can never see someone in a place of internalized lust. Humans can barely pinpoint the concept of lust in ourselves, let alone in another species. Again, to compare and contrast the two theories one may note a concept present in both theories, both Hobbes and Descartes saw animals in a manner by which they were not animated and that their actions were made primarily on the basis of involuntary innate action, ruled by the mechanisms of their physiological parts. However, A contrasting piece between Hobbes's and Descartes's theories is the existence of God, Descartes believe that the foundation of reasoning and intellectual abilities were given to humans nearly as a gift but as he states, “reason also dictates to us that our thoughts cannot be all true, since we are not all-perfect.” (22). According to Hobbes's man strives for his idea of perfection, although he does not state God as the ideal incantation of perfection, nor does he mention God. Hobbe's explains that man is constantly looking to attain continual success and the desiring of continual prosperity. But what is of continual prosperity? The acquisition and foundation of reason?

The idea of continual prosperity had me thinking of Descartes's struggle to find pure knowledge as well as Hobbes's view of felicity. Descartes attempted to find a stable foundation of “true” knowledge was laid in math and perhaps early scientific thought where in comparison Hobbes found that the only opportunity for true knowledge perhaps was unattainable due to the constant movement of life, also noting that felicity was unachievable as well. A qualm I face is that perhaps there is a need in man to control all things, but the one thing we cannot control or contain entirely is our knowledge, our reason, our appetites. So what is it that makes humans different from man? Who got it right?

Descartes believed that an individuals thought may be more coherent, however Hobbes did not see the world the same way, he believed in a concept of Common Wealth. I think that here in lies the answer of what separates man from animal. This use of communication to aid in survival. I wish that both theorists had experienced feral and isolate children during the time in which the discussion of the distinguishing features between man and animal was so prominent in their mind. There seems to be little difference in humans that were not exposed to society in comparison to animals. Perhaps if one took a step back and looked and the exterior of man and animal they would see significant differences in physiological appearance, however I do not think that much separates man from animal. Communication as Descartes explains is a critical distinguishing feature between man and animal. There has been evidence to show that communication in humans is innate and is not built on a foundation of learning theory. Communication in societies seems to aid in an acquisition of intellect, take for example chimpanzees, dolphins, and even mice. Community and society cause a requirement for the members to be able to get along in order to ensure a greater chance for survival. Perhaps the primary contributing factor for the acquisition of human reason was simply the close confines they were forced to have as they over populated the planet, and as they continue to do so the pressure to control, rationalize, and reason will be forced to grow exponentially.  Feral and isolate children provide the perfect case for my theory, seeing as they have little if any exposure with a human community, due to this impairment we see a perhaps a human lacking in reason, and a human who has missed the critical period for the acquisition of language. As Descartes insisted it is one of the only distinguishing feature between man and animal. In lacking the ability to communicate as well as formulate reason are these humans simply inhuman? Or is reason a sociological acquired mechanism that aids in the survival of humans, and is this minuscule difference the only thing that makes man different from animal?

All sources are available, I had to re-type the last paragraph because I cannot access the file.

Day 51: That Moment of Clarity When You Have Lost Grasp of Your Sanity.

I always thought that I could be someone today. I always thought I'd be dead or together by now... I never thought I'd be here, stuck in the liminality of unsure and hesitant actions. I never thought I'd be shy, overcome by obstacles, caught in my insecurities, scared to succeed. I feel like a lot of pressure is constantly on me to do better. And even if you may empathize you can never feel this way. 

         What a stupid thought, scared by your fears. Absolutely absurd; but thats what I've always been.

I can't find the launching the pad, and as I constantly sift through the fields, taking paths less traveled I still find myself here. In the land of discontentment and ignorance. 

I'm sorry to write the way I do, the words don't make much sense to me either sometimes.

It's the "cognitive decline" that I face in a world expecting one to be on a constant incline towards knowledge and success, both of which cannot be accurately graded.

I should have never come to University, but now I'm stuck here, forced to think like they do. Forced to think like society deems is applicable for a person my age, of my quality of thoughts. 

There is more to me than grades, than my syntax, my agreeance, my appetites, my aversions. There is no calm for the living...

I want to discuss the idea of a vacation, an idea of removing yourself from all that is "life" while staying alive. It perhaps is bad that I consider death my true time for a "vacation". Perhaps it will confuse you when I say that I love my life and I love being me, but I hate living. I hate all that comes with it, I don't want to believe in reincarnation, heaven, hell, anything past this life. Past this torture, this suffering. The Hindis and Buddhists have it right... Don't fool yourself, this world is full of suffering and you have a duty to live and perpetuate the suffering. As Thomas Hobbes said, life may be centered in the midst of ones own "preservation of his . . . nature". Then why is it that we act recklessly, live without abandon, smoke, drink, fuck and die while so eager to live but never to die. There is almost a remorse humans feel for being human a resistance to the "throwedness" of this life. Throwing us around, fucking with our "reasoning" and rational minds. 

Want to know the most unintelligent thing I said today? "Have Faith" -- We might be out of control of this life but we are not helpless.

Thank you Alain Carlson and Cedric Maltais for getting me to think a lot today :)

Day 50: Time

I spend a lot of time here. On this blog. It's often where my mind is relieved and perceived. I often spend my time here wondering what these worlds hold in store, what they will be in the future, whether they will exist or be of any significance. I hate the obstacle of chance, the one thing I can't control, time and chance, although they are one in the same. I hope you enjoy your confrontation and debate with my mind, although all I have projected here is my inner workings, the things that cannot perhaps be discussed over pizza in the school cafeteria. Often I sit in the luxury of my words, the phrases in which I do not commit myself to grammatical discussion or alignment of subject and verbs, conjunctions, similies, metaphor. That means nothing here. Feel free to analyze and scrutinize but I am merely the inflection of a rational souls stream of consciousness.

Day 49: Words to the World.

If I had to choose 20 words to convey to the world:

1. Empathy
2. Love
3. Peace
4. Commitment
5. Refinement
6. Contentment
7. Confidence
8. Respect
9. Understanding
10. Patience
11. Control
12. Restrain
13. Power
14. Empower
15. Assurance
16. Prosperity
17. Satiation
18. Flexibility
19. Share
20. Beauty

Day 48: New Years Resolutions [draft]

Looking back on 2010 I have to wonder where the time went. I feel like I have placed myself in a stagnancy. I have grown but simply out of general acquisition of knowledge in University. I have been looking inside of myself more this year than any year before. It's weird to think about next year... It's a Year of Revival.

1. Just be
2. Plan to travel somewhere with Darryl
3. Stop stressing out
4. Write more.
5. Start eating properly
6. Get a job
7. Get a life
8. Learn to Respect myself
9. Keep in better touch with family
10. Learn to have Faith that everything will be okay
11. The Four Sights [1/4]
12. Graduate University
13. Complete Suicide Prevention Course
14. Breathe.

Day 47: All of my life.

All of my life I've spent in the anticipation of some surreal acceptance and praise. I lived a life for which I could only have dreamed and now my destination has changed. The success and freedom I received before university has nothing but proven to have been a shred of societal unravellings of me. I feel like I cannot live within the shackles imposed on a wall based on prestige and principle. Perhaps I was not meant for this world, to taste the self-destructive nature of man, to feel the ache of solidarity and sheltered animosity. I hate to let it pass me by, but I feel I stand no chance, no chance to change this world. I wish I had "the courage to change the things I can, the knowledge of that I cannot, and the Wisdom to know the difference"

Day 46: Nothing But Tears

There is nothing written in today's blog post because all the words that I wrote today were in tears. Scribbled down and written into a story that I told to you.

Thank you for reading my pages.

Day 45: I am the Perpetuation of my Own Demise

I'm second guessing my directions, I hate the fact that I can't just live. This mind is a curse, it's constantly stirring. Please don't ever idolize me or feel a sense of awe from this writer, It's pointless, she's going nowhere anyways.

It's funny the simple things depression can change.

Day 44: Love Me Tender

I sit at my alter today, sit and hope for inspiration, a movement of thought. I keep hearing my head tell me focus on empathy, compassion and suffering. But it is never of my own pains, I have become a sponge in the most beautiful of ways. There is so much beauty in wisdom, pain, empowerment.

We are in this together.
All my best
No prayers
Cecilia

Day 43: The Point at Which I'm at Physically.

It is hard to think about where you are physically without the prevalence of your emotionality. I sit in my husbands computer chair as I'm typing this, this is my physical form. Sitting up straight up cross legged and peering at an illuminated square of pixels.
I'm thinking. Thinking, Thinking unendless and more for means than ends.

Day 42: Irrational Cathartic Action in a World Attempting to be Rationalized ----------- An Essay for School - Editing occurred after this stage.

There seems to be something in humans that is separated from the physical body, Sigmund Freud described this part of humans as the ego, and others may describe it as the soul. The ego contains the elaboration of body and mind and therefore holds a lot of energy that reside within a being. All this energy bound within the physical form often uses physical and mental resources that otherwise could be dedicated to constructive thinking. This anxiety and built up energy is exponentially growing as we see an increase in uncontrollable living environments, increasing isolation due to technological advancement, workaholism and limited proactive ways of controlling or exhaling these clusters of energies. Marion Woodman a psychologist from London, Ontario Canada explains how without positive rituals in our lives we are more likely to adopt negative ones. Woodman explains that energies of the ego need to be extinguished or purged in cathartic action, and without the availability of positively controlled rituals we are seeing more secular rituals and individualistic rituals rise to the surface of society. The reason we see people performing compulsions based on obsessive thoughts, over consumption of food or the constant fasting of an anorexic, drug addicts and alcoholics alike, and finally seeing people who are suffering with forms of self mutilation is the fault of a society devoid of positive ritualistic action. Are these negative rituals performed in order to control the hostile realm of energies that reside in the mind and body and can society correct these dangerous and time consuming rituals without a positive outlet? This essay with discuss the use of cathartic ritualistic action in the aid of one “overcoming their sense of despair” by prescribing themselves with the purpose of remedying a feeling of loss of control (Woodman 27). This concept of self-prescription is a key criterion in the most commonly used Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in assessing and diagnosing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where an individual may perform any compulsions or ritual for greater than 1 hour a day in the aid to avoid a contaminant or a fear.

People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D.) often describe a fear of facing a certain situation that they cannot control and that in order to feel a sense of control they will partake in irrational rituals in order to work as a release valve for the accumulated anxiety. For a contrast between religious ritual and O.C.D. one must note that previously, before a more diverse population found itself scattered throughout Canada, there was a high percentage of Catholic and Christian people who performed ritual not unlike people suffering with O.C.D. A shift has occurred in religiosity, when noting that previously, people often would pray and count beads on a rosary in order to avoid not being forgiven for their sins, which to many Abrahamic religion devotees is a fear in and of itself. And now? Woodman explains “rituals were once a cornerstone of living [but] are now hollow and rosaries are worn as adornments” (25). So, one may ask themselves what is the difference between religious ritual action and O.C.D. compulsions? The answer is simply the difference between those that have a common ground with a community that also performs the rituals and those that do not and the internal motivation and drive to complete the ritual itself.

Bradd Shore in his book Culture in Mind: Cognition, Culture, and the Problem of Meaning, explains that rituals add to the “substrate of mind” and that the mind is “an emergent and contingent property of social experience” and therefore the motivations or experiences of individuals come together to form society (32). There is concern for those that perform ritualistic behaviour outside of religiosity simply due to the loss of connection with society and the prevalence of isolation that may be caused by the uncommon or seemingly deviant or abnormal behaviour. It also seems that you would be able to diagnose a religious person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as one of the primary criterion of the disorder is characterized by an hour or more of ritual-like behaviour, interestingly enough in places like India the whole day is surrounded around ritual.
From a psychological perspective it may be hard to differentiate between someone performing an O.C.D. compulsion and religious ritual in a case such as this: “We observe [a man who is] dressed all in red in a red doorway, washing his hands six times in six different basins that have been arranged meticulously. His eyebrows are plucked bare, and as he washes, he repeats the same phrase, occasionally tapping his earlobe with his right index finger” (Smay 2). So putting the time criteria aside. it seems as though the only distinguishing feature is simply the motivation behind the action, for a person with O.C.D. may be in a state of torture in a scenario like this, unable to control themselves from performing their compulsion due to obsessive thought, “enslaved [by] rigid routine”, as a religious devotee may see an organized and specialized ritual such as this comforting and worthy of praise (29). The mental anguish faced by those with O.C.D. is negatively affecting society as we see people attempting to find control in an otherwise chaotic world, and these people locking themselves in their homes focused primarily on individualized ritual action seems rather sad in comparison to those that are enlightened and encouraged to roam the world in a religious welcoming community. Not only does the mind take a hit in regards to unperformed cathartic ritual but the body may take extreme punishment in cases such as eating disorders.

Eating disorders as Marion Woodman explains occur in society due to a “free-floating unconscious energy functioning outside of ego control” (93). Often one who develops an eating disorder has overcome some sort of rejection that may have caused them to feel a necessity for change, and unfortunately the physical body is one of the only things in an individualized society one may be able to control. Woodman explains in her book Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride how one of her patients suffering from bulimia began to analyze her body and magnified it's proportion after dealing with the break up of her and her first love. Elizabeth, the patient, explains how “she wanted to take responsibility for her own body, but in spite of [her] best intentions had begun ritualistically vomiting” (94). Although it is hard to find cases of over eating as positive ritual in religion we see that the act of Elizabeth vomiting may be acting as a form of purification and the motion of bulimia was simply her “psyche [acting] out through her body”(97). Perhaps if Elizabeth has a more positive and constructive way of purging her emotions in comparison to throwing them up she would have never caused harm to her physical form as her mind was in anguish and looking for relief. However, fasting purification is not uncommon in religion and is often paired with other rituals Len Sperry explains that “Done as a spiritual practice, fasting is defined as abstention from food for the purification of one’s motivation. All the great spiritual traditions recognize its merits” (194). Moreover, fasting is often required to partake in certain ritual practices and those that do not fast are seen as impure. In a Caucasian western society we see the opposite occurring, those that partake in starving themselves are considered anorexic if the practice is done outside of religious thought. Again the motivation is the most important distinguishing factor, in people with anorexia the end goal is to be percieved as being skinny, where as in ritual devotional ritual the focus is on the purification aspect. Anorexics often do not eat out of fear of becoming overweight or obese and therefore that is why we see the ritual action in attempting to control their body, because it acts as an aid in “overcoming their sense of despair” by prescribing themselves with the purpose of remedying a feeling of loss of control. Unfortunately eating disorders are not the only way we see people hurting and denaturing their bodies, we still must discuss addicts and alcoholics.

Often without a way of letting out emotional pain we see people become affixed to addictions, whether these addictions are found in compulsions, ritualistic eating patters or addictions to substances. Alcoholics and drug addicts are not much different from people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or eating disorders after the initial aid of the substances acting as a buffer between discomfort and confrontation of their emotional pain forced to reside within their ego. Popular television programs have attempted to uncover to a broad audience the acquisition and pain that is found within alcoholism and substance abuse sufferers. In the show Intervention for example, we see a huge correlation between people who sufferer from these debilitating addictions and traumatic experiences. There seems to be a limit on how much cathartic action the addicts have divulged to their family and friends, therefore allowing it to lay dormant in the psyche, unresolved or released. The ritual action of drinking or using a drug may be avoidant behaviour for the fear of having to come to terms with their abuse, the death of a loved one or insecurities. Bill Wilson the Co-founder of Alcoholics is quoted in Marion Woodman's book on the Addictions to Perfection as saying, “[the] craving for alcohol [is] the equivalent on a low level of spiritual thirst for our being for wholeness” (27). With the decline in religiosity and public ritual individuals are facing what Woodman calls the “Crisis of faith” (28). As the material world is being seen more and more as a crucial aspect of life over the spiritual world we will continue to see the loss of religion, and the increasingly justified rationalization of everything in society, and the cathartic action of religion and ritual-like behaviours associated with religion will be lost. So where does society go from here?

As I see it ritual is continuing to change and O.C.D., eating disorders, and alcohol and substance abuse problems are not the only residue that is to be left on the consciousness and bodies of society. We see an escalation in perfectionism, in the necessity for structured education, the destruction of care systems that remain sympathetic and empathetic to their clients and patients and now we see the constant need for technology. I see the world shifting from cathartic physical action into the cathartic nature of social networking. People expressing their emotions and pains over a sensory limited environment. There is a constant need for support being built on the internet due to this shift, preparing for the shift in placement of cathartic action there are counselling services such as IMALIVE deciding that the best place for emotional help will be on the internet. As we see the shift from community to technology we may see an increase in isolationalist behaviour due to habituation, we may see the loss of public buildings being required, such as a universities, as everything is being dabbed onto the world wide web. Ritual action is innate in humans however the expression of ritualistic behaviour may not be. Humans started with religion as a way to control and compartmentalize concerns of morality, war, justice, judgement and praise. As the world encompasses this arrogance in thought religion will fall to the way side and ritual action will continue to move through stages. Ritual action is a reflection of how the psyche of the people of a society is being purged. The hope is that there will be a return to community from our western individualized isolated behaviours surrounding negative uses of catharsis. Perhaps the new community will be the presence of people on the other side of computer screens. The space between the ego and the body is ever growing and I feel in our society will continue to grow.

Positive cathartic action seems to be one of the most important indicators of society, one of the most beneficial and needed release valves for the human species and also something that can bring communities back together in a world so fragmented. All ritualistic action both negatively motivated and positively motivated revolve around the concern for insecurities and loss of control. Humans will never have the power to control their environment and therefore this discussion will be ever growing and changing. Marion Woodman explains the concerns of this perfectly “matter is accumulating in heaps all around us, more and more material. We can't get enough. We are burying ourselves in it, whether in possessions or flesh” (29). Humans no face the task of digging our way out of the wreckage we have created for ourselves, we see the frustration, anguish and solidarity of our individuals in society trying to self-medicate for the pain; we see people with O.C.D., eating disorders, substance abuse and alcohol addictions because society does not have a constructive way to rid its inhabitants of their emotional fatigue.

Works Cited

Frances, Anderson et al. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Washington: American Psychiatric Association.
Shore, Bradd (1996) Culture in Mind: Cognition, Culture, and the Problem of Meaning. Oxford

University Press, Oxford
Smay, Diana. The Disease of Ritual: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as an Outgrowth of Normal Behaviour. Thesis or Diss. Emory University, Atlanta, United States of America: 1-24. December 6^th, 2010. <http://www.marial.emory.edu/pdfs/ObsessiveCompulsive.pdf >

Sperry, L. (2001). Spirituality in Clinical Practice: Incorporating the Spiritual Dimension in Psychotherapy and Counselling. New York: Routledge.

Woodman, Marion (1982). Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride. Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books.

Day 41: My medium is layed in the symbols

Created by a culture I feel obligated to and separated from. I use my medium to pull me closer to them. I use my dialect of symbolic representations to formulate new worlds where we may all seem to get along.


I seem to have coordinates and perhaps blueprints of a new society that needs to be built. Often people forget that our ancestors built all this for us,and although it may be riddled with mistake and error we can regain control and create change. We just have to recognize our place and medium to project awareness.


Why is it that humans are more eclipsed in reason to the interest of beauty and the concept of mineral foundation, a covering of true distinction, but to lay the foundation of a philosophical or mental framework is only a skeptics facade. 


but perhaps I can make no general case, and prove no change because the consciousness and the place of reason is merely a survivalist technique adopted by man in order to avoid the catastrophes of our earth. We are not a form of super beings, were have occured merely by accident.

Day 41: In the Shadows of a Mind

I spent this Sunday in the shadows of my mind, thinking, churning and reveling  of partial deconstructions of my psyche. Some may call this relaxing, I call this disconcerning.

Day 40: Je-Je-Jenga

Day 39: The absence of remorse

I wrote nothing on the blog for this day before I had chosen to take the advice I needed and just let life be; had a few friends over for the night :) 

Day 38: The Growth of the Individualistic Ego in a Socially Constructed Community

Day 37:

http://hereswhatyouare.com/

"Ask Me What It's Like To Have My Life So Figured Out... I Wish I knew."

Day 36: Choosing the Path Less Traveled

Siddhartha witnessed on these journeys which have been referred to as the Four Sights

·An Old Man – Siddhartha was informed that everyone grows old (youth does not last).

·A Sick Woman – Channa told Siddhartha that sickness could not be escaped;  it was part of our earthly existence (health is not permanent, physical suffering is an inevitable part of the Human Condition).

·A Dead Man – Siddhartha learnt that we all die, our physical bodies are finite.

·A Holy Man – Siddhartha discovered that a life of an ascetic appeared to be more peaceful/fruitful, despite being deprived of material possessions.

Day 35: Enlightenment and Entanglement

I've thought about a worlds worth of thoughts today, I'm constantly condensing, boiling, condensing my thoughts, these rational and irrational neuronal firings. Some thoughts that have stayed with me all day:


1) I am merely a mortal with an assumption in my heart that I can create Change.
2) I committed suicide to my old self and somehow woke up enlightened
3) Number 2 has me questioning the existence of a path designated by something other than myself.
4)One day I may have to come to an understanding that Perhaps I'm the only one who sees the world this way...
5)Maybe None of my thoughts are the products of a creative mind. 
6)How I let it get so bad... and why I didn't ask for help
7)"People die to solve problems they can’t solve by themselves; help them solve the problem and you can save a life."
8) This training will change the lives of others and myself.
9)I don't know why I have taken on the worlds largest responsibility... The power of the Gatekeeper.
10) I wonder if I survived to prove it gets better
11) I've thought of the progression of the world, a million people die every damn year all over the world of suicide and the first thing we are worrying about is the size and "efficiency" in our damn cell phones
12) I want propaganda written on the walls all over the world
13) I wish graffitti was legal
14) I wish people talked to me about their problems without me starting the conversation
15)I am so scared I may not be able to save someone I care about, I care about strangers.
16) I fear being encapsulated by the loss of someone.
17) I see so much beauty in death
18) I see only sadness and helplessness in suicide, that I can remedy.
19) I fear that one day I will know everything there is to know (What an ignorant conception)
20) I fear that I will not notice your warnings
21)I fear that I will never amount to anything
22) I fear that I am not strong enough physically to handle this mind
23) I love my family and my friends and I cry all the time in fear of losing them
24) This is a natural feeling
25) I find talking about suicide easier than talking about sex.
26) I worry that my kids will think of me as a renouncer of someone elses ideas
27) I'm no longer scared if you judge me
28) I live my life everyday for me, even though I don't always wanna get out of bed in the morning
29)I often wish that I was better at manipulating numbers so that I could generalize like everyone else.
30) I wish I went through to be a surgeon
31) I wish that I didn't fall into the stagnancy of university life
32) The more I go to school the more I hate school
33) I called someone ignorant today and in doing so I realized the ignorance within myself, and it was filled with guilt and understanding "never to be ignorant"
34) We are guilty of illogical fallacy
35) I realized today that I am more beautiful and powerful on the inside and that I stress about showing it.
36) I realize I struggle with so many thoughts... 

Day 34: Glass Walls and Confidence

Often I wonder what this world would be  without walls. Without restraints and unbiased sight. I suppose I mean walls within the psyche more so than those of the distal world. There is something inside me that intends to break down walls and remove shackles. Often I feel like this world was meant to be destroyed and rebuilt by me, what an absurd thought, who am I but a simpleton, but perhaps I have a way of conjuring empathy and enlightenment in others. I often worry that perhaps I lived a sheltered life in the wrong way, that I was never exposed to god or to other things that made me less resilient, more sure. Who am I to designate the necessity for change. Who am I to plant seeds of impending growth. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
I am Cecilia Lumley,   
I am the future. As are you. I will protect my children before they are born.

Day 33: I miss you

You left today, left me for a few weeks, and although you've only been gone 9 hours I already miss you so much. I don't think it is fair for a wife to be away from her husband. I hate going to bed without you, it seems so lame, 3 weeks without you in our bed. I wish you didn't have to leave, I wish you always stayed, I know this is good for us but I hate not having your hand to hold while I'm sleeping. Hate not having a kiss in the morning, waking up to the sound of you opening your closet to get your tie or belt. I miss you not being here to encourage me, hug me, love me, cuddle me to sleep..I miss your fingers in my hair, your kisses on my cheek.

Fuck I miss you.

Day 32: Writing Until My Fingers Bleed.

I'm going to talk on a few topics. I'm not sure when or where in this page I will stop writing. I want to write until my fingers bleed. It seems as though I spend so much time behind a screen. A screen that punctures the lens of my eyes and radiates into my primary visual cortex.
          
I see so much with my eyes. I see beauty, power, change, love, indifference and empathy. I see myself encouraging my gatekeeper superstitions. There is beauty in the attainment of faulted end. There is so much beauty and light in this world, a world so destructed and dark. I want to make people uncomfortable when I say things like the world needs change, that a new bible titled empathy should be read by everyone. I want to make you uncomfortable when I talk about death.
        
           If I were to expose all my thoughts, my arrogances my alliances and downfalls I'd be a woman naked to the world. However, I, see this world as a greeting place for honesty and full exposure.

I am to busy to write as much as I`d like to :(
        

Day 31: One Years and Still Counting!

I love my bubsaroo, and I wish I still had the video of you and I talking about this time last year.

Day 30: You Can Get Better!

My Email: cecilialumley@hotmail.com
Support is everywhere! If you or a friend is thinking of suicide or is having a hard time and may be facing depression please contact a local mental health professional or call 1-800-suicide, people are willing to listen, just ask for help <3

Day 30: You Gotta Keep Your Head Up, I Know its Hard

Day 29: I Don't Want to Lose You.

I put myself in a place of vulnerability when you are vulnerable, because I know what it is like to be alone. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. We all feel alone sometimes, but we can be alone together and talk even while saying nothing. 

Will it be worth it to break? How vulnerable should I leave myself? I want to help, I want to learn, I want to live, I don't want to lose you...

Day 28: If God Believes in Himself.

Let Go, Let God? 

         Perhaps I will attempt to approach the debate of a "presence of God" in a way I never have before, my first instinct is to ask how a god could exist to a world so succumbed to war and famine. My second is to question whether god is proud of what he has created. Perhaps god built us this way to learn. I'm nothing more than a skeptic so I assure you I won't be converting through the process of writing this. If God built me this way to learn he is a very authoritarian overseer. Low in love and compassion, high in control.  Often I wonder why wars begin in the name of a non-sentient being in a world so encapsulated by material things. How one concept has over shadowed them all for the contemptment and comfort of a community of those willing to partake. I once believed that only sinners look to god for hope, for blessing, for forgiveness. Now I think I'm looking at humanity for hope and blessings of forgiveness, I can no longer accept a world full of unrealistic altruism and martyrdom. Who am I to question the beliefs of my fellow man, who are they to question mine? I shall not believe in a God that has taken people so young, I shall not pray or bow to a concept that I, nor anyone, can comprehend. There are books of propaganda, asking you to follow the ways of a ignorant path, a path deviating from the true material world. Perhaps I should attempt to pull my mind away from my body, find time to connect with the world greater than ours, but in true forms only that which exists exists, and he who has not proven his participation in a world so callas does not envelope nor endure my consent. 

How am I to believe in a God that may not even believe in himself?

Day 27: Felicity and the Gatekeeper Inamorata.

"Continual success in obtaining those things which a man from time to time desireth, that is to say, continual prospering, is what men call felicity: I mean the felicity in this life. For there is no such thing as perpetual tranquility of mind where we live here; because life itself is but motion. and can never be without desire, nor without fear, no more than without sense." Sense to endure what we cannot change or clarify, for this life is constantly in motion, and although the mind is as well it often struggles to keep pace with the movement of knowledge.




You follow a path that society guides you down, but as we move into autonomy and solidarity in adulthood we find the pathway ends and we are standing on the edge of a cliff with the chance to fly or fall. I've been growing these metaphysical and metaphorical wings all my life, I'm ready to fly.

Day 26: The Consciousness of the Gatekeeper

Often the Gatekeeper does not let those that deserve the requiem past. Who am I to dictate a transitional stage of a being into the world of the omnipotent? I have received my sponsorship for my training to be a Suicide Prevention Interventionist, and I have completed Module 1, and I've already learned so much. Apparently those that protect those from death are named 'Gatekeepers' in the field... Quite fitting and so philosophically motivated. (above is the female gatekeeper butterfly) may I spread my wings and fly like her.

Day 25: Rant Your Heart Out

I'm always willing to listen.


We can't help the situations we get into, but we can help where we go. If you need a change starting thinking of your destination, I need you to go and write for an hour, I know it sounds odd, but go sit down and write about how you are feeling, what you want to do for yourself, what part you want this world to play. This life isn't easy.

We may not be able to always get what we want but we can sure as hell fight for it. You can be who you want to be, you don't have to look down on yourself. 

Life hands us obstacles to see how we can do and how much we can take and with every hurdle we jump we continue to gain speed and confidence to jump higher. 

You deserve an amazing life, and you know you can have and give everything deserved, but maybe others aren't ready. Often it's hard because maybe you don't feel ready either. If there is love in your hearts you guys can make it, just always stay true to what you believe, if you believe you need change, I want you to think about what kind of change you need!


I'm always moving towards the positive world.

It is estimated that there are at least 4.5 million suicide survivors in this country. I'm one of them. Today is International Suicide Survivors Day. Tell those you love how much you care, and that you are willing to listen, you can make a difference.

And if anyone understands that trying to find creativity in a world so constructed and confined to contentment in intellectualized ignorance it's me.

Keep fighting.

Day 24: A Constant Need to Help

Often I wonder if other people have a constant desire to help others, if it is a staple in their life like mine. I feel like helping others is a way to help myself... is that weird? I guess I just learn from other people's mistakes too..

Study group tomorrow, same thing with Sunday!
Intense Midterm seasons, sorry if the posts are inconsistent xox
Cecilia

Day 23: A Walk on the Bright Side

There always seems to be a line that divides the emotions of life, on one side we have depression, anxiety, remorse, rejection, facade and on the other side love, lust, empowerment and reality. We are constantly looking for the "path less traveled" the path that many others choose not to break. I wander occasionally in my mind hoping to find the predestination and boundaries of this path but it seems so unattainable with no time to gather my thoughts and energy.

Day 22: Discomfort in your Energies

            There seems to be a flow of energy surrounding those around me, a flow of energy stagnant with negativity. He pesters you, shows his inability to be controlled and emotionally content. I wonder the rationale in making oneself lonely and behind closed doors and isolated from the flux of society. You cannot make an adjustment without the availability of exposure.  Can a society so racked with pain and restlessness allow one to grow into a beautiful person without qualm?

Day 21: Change is the Only Constant.

It's funny how we are so scared of change, assuming that fear is found in the unfamiliar. But change is the only constant in this word. Change is the only thing I can guarantee other than death itself. But I refuse to be scared of change, there is only positivity in the discovery of self in change. I am not scared to become something new, envelope the nature of change.

To see the beauty in constancy and uniform motivation and movement.

Be the change you want to see in the world. The world is ever changing, allow it to change for the better.

Day 20: Can Wisdom Be The Greatest Asset?

Perhaps it is not the case that "Wisdom outweighs any wealth" especially when that wisdom keeps you from your shot at a life of fulfillment. We are taught that the most intellectual being is the most favourable but perhaps there should be a motion towards the most favourable being happy. We constantly beg and ask for answers without attempting to find it in ourselves. Who are we to ask this of a being who deserves the silence and refuge in their intellectual contempt and constraint.

There is space for us our there, regardless of our wealth of knowledge

Day 19: RAWR

If you never have been to University you will never know how much freaking stress and work it takes to get through the week. This week is going to be hectic! I'm thinking about entering into the Nipissing 3rd Annual Blog Contest... We will see how that goes. And I'm also still looking for sponsorship with the Imalive.org suicide prevention, I also have to apply for college, perhaps scholarships, AHHH stress

Day 18: Clarification lost.

Perhaps the problem in the search for happiness in a world so digested is a lack of courage to face the fact that this world is in shambles. We have caused this world to lose its clarity in simplicity. One may never find happiness in a world so disjuncted. We attempt to attain this ever changing mark of perfection.

Day 17: A Day After a Tribute

              Remembrance day has gone back into slumber, but the world is stirring. We cannot doubt that people are upset, that people feel as though they too were disrespected when their families aren't mourned but soldiers are. Humanity needs to take a page out of the book of love.  Others have lost people too.. We aren't the only ones that have lost loved ones in war, it may seem selfish for them to write banners like this: http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/Islam_Peace.htm, but it is also savage for us not to mourn the deaths of everyone. I can see where they are coming from, some of them have lost children, we lost people that primarily chose to go to war. I would eradicate war, I would make everyone feel empathy, and I would make everyone love one another... This isn't going to go peacefully. Remembrance Day isn't the only day that deserves mourning, ITS EVERYDAY! 
                 Who is there to help the innocent people around the world that are murdered from personal agendas? I think it was disrespectful that they chose to choose violence like everyone else has. There can be a change in this world, and retaliating isn't going to help. I hope the world figures this out, because I don't want to die, and noone deserves to. I'm not going to lie. I was disgusted when I saw this, and I will not remain silent. But I will not let my emotions get the best of me, because I don't know the pain they feel in their hearts, Something really bad happened to these people, some HURT them. Imagine you getting to the position to write such hateful things on boards like that. It isn't about religion to them anymore, religion is just the avenue in which they choose to speak, some choose bombs, some choose words, some choose unpeaceful demonstrations. This world will not change if we aren't willing to change with it. I will never think a religion is the problem, people disagreeing is the problem. There is so much beauty in religion (mind you I'm agnostic). I refuse to allow people to think that violence or anger, or catharsis will solve this. 

                  I just wish we could have one day of peace. JUST ONE DAY SO EVERYONE REALIZES HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS, AND WOULD STOP FIGHTING. But I can't so I do it in small ways. I am not judging you, and I'm not judging them, this is painful to watch, a woman who loves her home country against people who want peace and to love theirs... It's worth tears. A day after remembrance day and I bet it won't be a discussion topic until next year this time. People need to realize that we don't have to be like this, but people are often limited to their ignorance and eventually ignorance is overshadowed by arrogance. I just want world peace. And I don't care if it sounds like a pageant platform, people need to wake up.

LOVE IS THE ANSWER. WAR SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A QUESTION.

Day 16: Remember

Remember those of which who were stronger than you and who could do what you refuse to. I thank you for everything you did, everything that is being done. I am sorry for the loss of all people involved in war, I'm sorry anyone has died, I'm sorry I couldn't intervene. I would eradicate war. Often I wish humanity wasn't so anthropocentric, ethnocentric, and obsolete in spiritually. I hold solace for those that choose to be hurt in wars over private agendas.


I'm sorry, and again thank you.


Cecilia
R.I.P.