Loss of Feeling
Refraining from breakdown
Holding on to what it means to me
This life is so fragile
My mind even more so
Tortured and Disturbed
All my own doing.
It's time to get better.
I can't seem to finish my prevention training, it's proving to be too much. Maybe I thought I was stronger than I really am. Why can't I just be okay with where I've been and how I got here. Fuck. You'd think these scars would have healed by now. Guess not. I plan to finish my training while on reading week, that's my goal. Hopeful that is one goal I will actually accomplish, the first in 3 years.
Judgement, Criticism and declarative discussions of my character. One does not know me, or the problems I face and most often they cannot believe the insurmountable amount of pain I have from being anything but instinctual. To live without socialized norms, without technology, language etc, and yet here I am confined to my general and disgusting view of this world, made to believe this is how a person should live, on a constant incline to "up", up, up, up. I don't want to be constantly moving and succeeding, often I just want to sit at home and avoid this disgusting and frivolous world, and yet so filled I am with ironic plunder and discontent.
I want out. I never choose to be in a world like this, with this conscious mind.
I don't want to be an I.
No one will understand this bullshit blabber.
Please please please let me find peace in being human
I want out. I never choose to be in a world like this, with this conscious mind.
I don't want to be an I.
No one will understand this bullshit blabber.
Please please please let me find peace in being human
I woke up balling my eyes out this morning. Most people would be excited for today, going to a friends birthday party with my great friends.. But I feel like everyones moving and going and I'm standing still. I feel like I'm getting left behind and lost in everyones success. I feel pathetic today, absoluetly pathetic. It's only 7:34am right now here in Canada and I already want to go back to bed, I didn't want to get up today, I probably won't want to get up tomorrow. ugh.
Talk to you guys soon.
BTW I won't be doing anymore of these stupid fucking day journals anymore, they're depressing and I'm just wondering how many people I will offend with each post, I'm going back to my comfort zone in "stream of conscious" writing. I hope you guys have a better day than I am.
Talk to you guys soon.
BTW I won't be doing anymore of these stupid fucking day journals anymore, they're depressing and I'm just wondering how many people I will offend with each post, I'm going back to my comfort zone in "stream of conscious" writing. I hope you guys have a better day than I am.
Day 9 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Usually this is where someone would write about some long lost love or friend that got away. But in all reality I'm a person that walks away from relationships knowing they ended for a reason, and the only time I ever thought different I went back and it was one of the biggest mistakes I could have made. It ended in nothing but regret and disgust.
I would write about friends but usually friends that I am supposed to have in my life will eventually come back to me and it will see as if nothing had changed. Although I wish that a lot of the friends I have lost, I hadn't lost for the reasons I did, because there are a few that I genuinely wish I could patch back together. But awkward moments in the hallways and obscure text messages are what have become of them.
This blog post is a hard one for me and it might be something no one will understand. I didn't want to let go of myself. In high school I was highly productive, excited about life, about my passions and possibilities. But I'm no longer that person I've let the crippling reality of this life get to me, I've felt rejection, hurt and pissed the fuck off. This world aign't easy. I've spent so much time taking care of myself that often times I wish that I had been taken care of, but that's a fluke. I just miss the activist that I was, I miss having the balls and confidence to do absolutely anything.
I didn't want to let go of who I was, but I just drifted.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I would write about friends but usually friends that I am supposed to have in my life will eventually come back to me and it will see as if nothing had changed. Although I wish that a lot of the friends I have lost, I hadn't lost for the reasons I did, because there are a few that I genuinely wish I could patch back together. But awkward moments in the hallways and obscure text messages are what have become of them.
This blog post is a hard one for me and it might be something no one will understand. I didn't want to let go of myself. In high school I was highly productive, excited about life, about my passions and possibilities. But I'm no longer that person I've let the crippling reality of this life get to me, I've felt rejection, hurt and pissed the fuck off. This world aign't easy. I've spent so much time taking care of myself that often times I wish that I had been taken care of, but that's a fluke. I just miss the activist that I was, I miss having the balls and confidence to do absolutely anything.
I didn't want to let go of who I was, but I just drifted.
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
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