I'm thankful I never killed myself.

I'm thankful I never killed myself. I can't help but think of the people that would have missed me; the people I never met who would have missed me. The changes I wouldn't have made, and the lives I wouldn't have saved. I'm thankful I never killed myself, because today I've never been so alive. I'm reminded of the things that hold me here, the words I repeat in my head when I'm sick. When I'm sick and tired of living. I remind myself that I am never handed something I can't handle. I remind myself that sometimes it's not the fault of the people who surround me, who can't handle me. Because a person who is depressed, a person who wants to let go is tiring. And sick. And they are sick of being tired. 

I'm thankful I never killed myself. I'm thankful I've seen the sunset so many more times than I ever would have imagined the beauty of. I'm thankful the stars have shined over me, and reminded me, that in life, there is hope that glimmers like them. I'm thankful that I've let tears fall from my cheek in sorrow and in love. I'm thankful that I have loved and I have lost, and I'm thankful to just be alive.

I'm thankful I never killed myself, because I'd rather see the face of my family happy, than never see them again and know that they are always internally crying. I'm thankful for the pain I've felt and the strength that creeped up inside me along the way. 

I'm thankful I never killed myself. And Selfishly I'm thankful that I never gave up and submitted to the grave, because I've learned that I belong here, that I belong a life because... I GOD DAMN DESERVE TO BE HERE! And so do you. I'm thankful I never killed myself, so that I could remind you not to. 

I'm thankful I never killed myself, because I couldn't imagine leaving people with this feeling: 

Jared Singer: "A letter to Sarah"

What do you see yourself doing when you are 80 years old, what is important to you?

Lately I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I want out of life. 

I've spent primarily the last 10 years of my life telling myself I will have more in the future, recently I've found myself regressing a bit. I've gone from, I will have more in my future, to I want more now. Although this disillusion that more things will bring me happiness I can't help but feel like this hope of a better tomorrow is what keeps me going. I think I've felt like a warrior for too long, like I've been fighting an unrealistic battle with everyone and everything on this planet, that is to say I will never win. I keep wanting more, I want to continue having a happy life with my spouse, I want a home, a wedding and a child. But the more I desire and set out to accomplish these goals, the more I see myself pushing away my spouse, the more I see myself putting barriers in my way.

If I'm lucky enough to make it to 80 years old...

I see myself gardening, painting, writing, singing horribly, kissing and hugging my grandchildren, baking treats I probably shouldn't eat, and still being in love with Darryl.

I see myself content at 80 years old, the things that will be important to me will be the people and the things I have worked for, not the things that I want.

I guess that's the lesson... Will the choices I make today ultimately lead me to being a happy 80 year old?

2014 New Years Resolutions!

Let's keep it simple

It's a New Year! Last year was great! Let's trump it! I want to see a lot of things happen this year, and I know it's imperative that I am realistic about the goals I'd like to see come to fruition, this year, in 2014!

1. Get a second job (Preferably in the Human Services field, or in a Social Work/ Clerical position.)
2. Save money! Make a budget and stick with it!
3. Pay down 5,000 of my student loans by next January
4. Write on my blog once a week
5. Build more routine into my day
6. Read 20 books, Keep track!
7. Be positive!
8. Keep moving forward!