I sit at my alter today, sit and hope for inspiration, a movement of thought. I keep hearing my head tell me focus on empathy, compassion and suffering. But it is never of my own pains, I have become a sponge in the most beautiful of ways. There is so much beauty in wisdom, pain, empowerment.
We are in this together.
All my best
No prayers
Cecilia
Day 43: The Point at Which I'm at Physically.
It is hard to think about where you are physically without the prevalence of your emotionality. I sit in my husbands computer chair as I'm typing this, this is my physical form. Sitting up straight up cross legged and peering at an illuminated square of pixels.
I'm thinking. Thinking, Thinking unendless and more for means than ends.
I'm thinking. Thinking, Thinking unendless and more for means than ends.
Day 42: Irrational Cathartic Action in a World Attempting to be Rationalized ----------- An Essay for School - Editing occurred after this stage.
There seems to be something in humans that is separated from the physical body, Sigmund Freud described this part of humans as the ego, and others may describe it as the soul. The ego contains the elaboration of body and mind and therefore holds a lot of energy that reside within a being. All this energy bound within the physical form often uses physical and mental resources that otherwise could be dedicated to constructive thinking. This anxiety and built up energy is exponentially growing as we see an increase in uncontrollable living environments, increasing isolation due to technological advancement, workaholism and limited proactive ways of controlling or exhaling these clusters of energies. Marion Woodman a psychologist from London, Ontario Canada explains how without positive rituals in our lives we are more likely to adopt negative ones. Woodman explains that energies of the ego need to be extinguished or purged in cathartic action, and without the availability of positively controlled rituals we are seeing more secular rituals and individualistic rituals rise to the surface of society. The reason we see people performing compulsions based on obsessive thoughts, over consumption of food or the constant fasting of an anorexic, drug addicts and alcoholics alike, and finally seeing people who are suffering with forms of self mutilation is the fault of a society devoid of positive ritualistic action. Are these negative rituals performed in order to control the hostile realm of energies that reside in the mind and body and can society correct these dangerous and time consuming rituals without a positive outlet? This essay with discuss the use of cathartic ritualistic action in the aid of one “overcoming their sense of despair” by prescribing themselves with the purpose of remedying a feeling of loss of control (Woodman 27). This concept of self-prescription is a key criterion in the most commonly used Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in assessing and diagnosing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where an individual may perform any compulsions or ritual for greater than 1 hour a day in the aid to avoid a contaminant or a fear.
People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (O.C.D.) often describe a fear of facing a certain situation that they cannot control and that in order to feel a sense of control they will partake in irrational rituals in order to work as a release valve for the accumulated anxiety. For a contrast between religious ritual and O.C.D. one must note that previously, before a more diverse population found itself scattered throughout Canada, there was a high percentage of Catholic and Christian people who performed ritual not unlike people suffering with O.C.D. A shift has occurred in religiosity, when noting that previously, people often would pray and count beads on a rosary in order to avoid not being forgiven for their sins, which to many Abrahamic religion devotees is a fear in and of itself. And now? Woodman explains “rituals were once a cornerstone of living [but] are now hollow and rosaries are worn as adornments” (25). So, one may ask themselves what is the difference between religious ritual action and O.C.D. compulsions? The answer is simply the difference between those that have a common ground with a community that also performs the rituals and those that do not and the internal motivation and drive to complete the ritual itself. Bradd Shore in his book Culture in Mind: Cognition, Culture, and the Problem of Meaning, explains that rituals add to the “substrate of mind” and that the mind is “an emergent and contingent property of social experience” and therefore the motivations or experiences of individuals come together to form society (32). There is concern for those that perform ritualistic behaviour outside of religiosity simply due to the loss of connection with society and the prevalence of isolation that may be caused by the uncommon or seemingly deviant or abnormal behaviour. It also seems that you would be able to diagnose a religious person with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as one of the primary criterion of the disorder is characterized by an hour or more of ritual-like behaviour, interestingly enough in places like India the whole day is surrounded around ritual.
From a psychological perspective it may be hard to differentiate between someone performing an O.C.D. compulsion and religious ritual in a case such as this: “We observe [a man who is] dressed all in red in a red doorway, washing his hands six times in six different basins that have been arranged meticulously. His eyebrows are plucked bare, and as he washes, he repeats the same phrase, occasionally tapping his earlobe with his right index finger” (Smay 2). So putting the time criteria aside. it seems as though the only distinguishing feature is simply the motivation behind the action, for a person with O.C.D. may be in a state of torture in a scenario like this, unable to control themselves from performing their compulsion due to obsessive thought, “enslaved [by] rigid routine”, as a religious devotee may see an organized and specialized ritual such as this comforting and worthy of praise (29). The mental anguish faced by those with O.C.D. is negatively affecting society as we see people attempting to find control in an otherwise chaotic world, and these people locking themselves in their homes focused primarily on individualized ritual action seems rather sad in comparison to those that are enlightened and encouraged to roam the world in a religious welcoming community. Not only does the mind take a hit in regards to unperformed cathartic ritual but the body may take extreme punishment in cases such as eating disorders.
From a psychological perspective it may be hard to differentiate between someone performing an O.C.D. compulsion and religious ritual in a case such as this: “We observe [a man who is] dressed all in red in a red doorway, washing his hands six times in six different basins that have been arranged meticulously. His eyebrows are plucked bare, and as he washes, he repeats the same phrase, occasionally tapping his earlobe with his right index finger” (Smay 2). So putting the time criteria aside. it seems as though the only distinguishing feature is simply the motivation behind the action, for a person with O.C.D. may be in a state of torture in a scenario like this, unable to control themselves from performing their compulsion due to obsessive thought, “enslaved [by] rigid routine”, as a religious devotee may see an organized and specialized ritual such as this comforting and worthy of praise (29). The mental anguish faced by those with O.C.D. is negatively affecting society as we see people attempting to find control in an otherwise chaotic world, and these people locking themselves in their homes focused primarily on individualized ritual action seems rather sad in comparison to those that are enlightened and encouraged to roam the world in a religious welcoming community. Not only does the mind take a hit in regards to unperformed cathartic ritual but the body may take extreme punishment in cases such as eating disorders.
Eating disorders as Marion Woodman explains occur in society due to a “free-floating unconscious energy functioning outside of ego control” (93). Often one who develops an eating disorder has overcome some sort of rejection that may have caused them to feel a necessity for change, and unfortunately the physical body is one of the only things in an individualized society one may be able to control. Woodman explains in her book Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride how one of her patients suffering from bulimia began to analyze her body and magnified it's proportion after dealing with the break up of her and her first love. Elizabeth, the patient, explains how “she wanted to take responsibility for her own body, but in spite of [her] best intentions had begun ritualistically vomiting” (94). Although it is hard to find cases of over eating as positive ritual in religion we see that the act of Elizabeth vomiting may be acting as a form of purification and the motion of bulimia was simply her “psyche [acting] out through her body”(97). Perhaps if Elizabeth has a more positive and constructive way of purging her emotions in comparison to throwing them up she would have never caused harm to her physical form as her mind was in anguish and looking for relief. However, fasting purification is not uncommon in religion and is often paired with other rituals Len Sperry explains that “Done as a spiritual practice, fasting is defined as abstention from food for the purification of one’s motivation. All the great spiritual traditions recognize its merits” (194). Moreover, fasting is often required to partake in certain ritual practices and those that do not fast are seen as impure. In a Caucasian western society we see the opposite occurring, those that partake in starving themselves are considered anorexic if the practice is done outside of religious thought. Again the motivation is the most important distinguishing factor, in people with anorexia the end goal is to be percieved as being skinny, where as in ritual devotional ritual the focus is on the purification aspect. Anorexics often do not eat out of fear of becoming overweight or obese and therefore that is why we see the ritual action in attempting to control their body, because it acts as an aid in “overcoming their sense of despair” by prescribing themselves with the purpose of remedying a feeling of loss of control. Unfortunately eating disorders are not the only way we see people hurting and denaturing their bodies, we still must discuss addicts and alcoholics.
Often without a way of letting out emotional pain we see people become affixed to addictions, whether these addictions are found in compulsions, ritualistic eating patters or addictions to substances. Alcoholics and drug addicts are not much different from people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or eating disorders after the initial aid of the substances acting as a buffer between discomfort and confrontation of their emotional pain forced to reside within their ego. Popular television programs have attempted to uncover to a broad audience the acquisition and pain that is found within alcoholism and substance abuse sufferers. In the show Intervention for example, we see a huge correlation between people who sufferer from these debilitating addictions and traumatic experiences. There seems to be a limit on how much cathartic action the addicts have divulged to their family and friends, therefore allowing it to lay dormant in the psyche, unresolved or released. The ritual action of drinking or using a drug may be avoidant behaviour for the fear of having to come to terms with their abuse, the death of a loved one or insecurities. Bill Wilson the Co-founder of Alcoholics is quoted in Marion Woodman's book on the Addictions to Perfection as saying, “[the] craving for alcohol [is] the equivalent on a low level of spiritual thirst for our being for wholeness” (27). With the decline in religiosity and public ritual individuals are facing what Woodman calls the “Crisis of faith” (28). As the material world is being seen more and more as a crucial aspect of life over the spiritual world we will continue to see the loss of religion, and the increasingly justified rationalization of everything in society, and the cathartic action of religion and ritual-like behaviours associated with religion will be lost. So where does society go from here?
As I see it ritual is continuing to change and O.C.D., eating disorders, and alcohol and substance abuse problems are not the only residue that is to be left on the consciousness and bodies of society. We see an escalation in perfectionism, in the necessity for structured education, the destruction of care systems that remain sympathetic and empathetic to their clients and patients and now we see the constant need for technology. I see the world shifting from cathartic physical action into the cathartic nature of social networking. People expressing their emotions and pains over a sensory limited environment. There is a constant need for support being built on the internet due to this shift, preparing for the shift in placement of cathartic action there are counselling services such as IMALIVE deciding that the best place for emotional help will be on the internet. As we see the shift from community to technology we may see an increase in isolationalist behaviour due to habituation, we may see the loss of public buildings being required, such as a universities, as everything is being dabbed onto the world wide web. Ritual action is innate in humans however the expression of ritualistic behaviour may not be. Humans started with religion as a way to control and compartmentalize concerns of morality, war, justice, judgement and praise. As the world encompasses this arrogance in thought religion will fall to the way side and ritual action will continue to move through stages. Ritual action is a reflection of how the psyche of the people of a society is being purged. The hope is that there will be a return to community from our western individualized isolated behaviours surrounding negative uses of catharsis. Perhaps the new community will be the presence of people on the other side of computer screens. The space between the ego and the body is ever growing and I feel in our society will continue to grow.
Positive cathartic action seems to be one of the most important indicators of society, one of the most beneficial and needed release valves for the human species and also something that can bring communities back together in a world so fragmented. All ritualistic action both negatively motivated and positively motivated revolve around the concern for insecurities and loss of control. Humans will never have the power to control their environment and therefore this discussion will be ever growing and changing. Marion Woodman explains the concerns of this perfectly “matter is accumulating in heaps all around us, more and more material. We can't get enough. We are burying ourselves in it, whether in possessions or flesh” (29). Humans no face the task of digging our way out of the wreckage we have created for ourselves, we see the frustration, anguish and solidarity of our individuals in society trying to self-medicate for the pain; we see people with O.C.D., eating disorders, substance abuse and alcohol addictions because society does not have a constructive way to rid its inhabitants of their emotional fatigue.
Works Cited
Frances, Anderson et al. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Washington: American Psychiatric Association.
Shore, Bradd (1996) Culture in Mind: Cognition, Culture, and the Problem of Meaning. Oxford
Shore, Bradd (1996) Culture in Mind: Cognition, Culture, and the Problem of Meaning. Oxford
University Press, Oxford
Smay, Diana. The Disease of Ritual: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as an Outgrowth of Normal Behaviour. Thesis or Diss. Emory University, Atlanta, United States of America: 1-24. December 6th, 2010. <http://www.marial.emory.edu/pdfs/ObsessiveCompulsive.pdf >
Smay, Diana. The Disease of Ritual: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as an Outgrowth of Normal Behaviour. Thesis or Diss. Emory University, Atlanta, United States of America: 1-24. December 6th, 2010. <http://www.marial.emory.edu/pdfs/ObsessiveCompulsive.pdf >
Sperry, L. (2001). Spirituality in Clinical Practice: Incorporating the Spiritual Dimension in Psychotherapy and Counselling. New York: Routledge.
Woodman, Marion (1982). Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride. Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books.
Day 41: My medium is layed in the symbols
Created by a culture I feel obligated to and separated from. I use my medium to pull me closer to them. I use my dialect of symbolic representations to formulate new worlds where we may all seem to get along.
I seem to have coordinates and perhaps blueprints of a new society that needs to be built. Often people forget that our ancestors built all this for us,and although it may be riddled with mistake and error we can regain control and create change. We just have to recognize our place and medium to project awareness.
Why is it that humans are more eclipsed in reason to the interest of beauty and the concept of mineral foundation, a covering of true distinction, but to lay the foundation of a philosophical or mental framework is only a skeptics facade.
but perhaps I can make no general case, and prove no change because the consciousness and the place of reason is merely a survivalist technique adopted by man in order to avoid the catastrophes of our earth. We are not a form of super beings, were have occured merely by accident.
I seem to have coordinates and perhaps blueprints of a new society that needs to be built. Often people forget that our ancestors built all this for us,and although it may be riddled with mistake and error we can regain control and create change. We just have to recognize our place and medium to project awareness.
Why is it that humans are more eclipsed in reason to the interest of beauty and the concept of mineral foundation, a covering of true distinction, but to lay the foundation of a philosophical or mental framework is only a skeptics facade.
but perhaps I can make no general case, and prove no change because the consciousness and the place of reason is merely a survivalist technique adopted by man in order to avoid the catastrophes of our earth. We are not a form of super beings, were have occured merely by accident.
Day 41: In the Shadows of a Mind
I spent this Sunday in the shadows of my mind, thinking, churning and reveling of partial deconstructions of my psyche. Some may call this relaxing, I call this disconcerning.
Day 39: The absence of remorse
I wrote nothing on the blog for this day before I had chosen to take the advice I needed and just let life be; had a few friends over for the night :)
Day 36: Choosing the Path Less Traveled
Siddhartha witnessed on these journeys which have been referred to as the Four Sights
·An Old Man – Siddhartha was informed that everyone grows old (youth does not last).
·A Sick Woman – Channa told Siddhartha that sickness could not be escaped; it was part of our earthly existence (health is not permanent, physical suffering is an inevitable part of the Human Condition).
·A Dead Man – Siddhartha learnt that we all die, our physical bodies are finite.
·A Holy Man – Siddhartha discovered that a life of an ascetic appeared to be more peaceful/fruitful, despite being deprived of material possessions.
Day 35: Enlightenment and Entanglement
I've thought about a worlds worth of thoughts today, I'm constantly condensing, boiling, condensing my thoughts, these rational and irrational neuronal firings. Some thoughts that have stayed with me all day:
1) I am merely a mortal with an assumption in my heart that I can create Change.
2) I committed suicide to my old self and somehow woke up enlightened
3) Number 2 has me questioning the existence of a path designated by something other than myself.
4)One day I may have to come to an understanding that Perhaps I'm the only one who sees the world this way...
5)Maybe None of my thoughts are the products of a creative mind.
6)How I let it get so bad... and why I didn't ask for help
7)"People die to solve problems they can’t solve by themselves; help them solve the problem and you can save a life."
8) This training will change the lives of others and myself.
9)I don't know why I have taken on the worlds largest responsibility... The power of the Gatekeeper.
10) I wonder if I survived to prove it gets better
11) I've thought of the progression of the world, a million people die every damn year all over the world of suicide and the first thing we are worrying about is the size and "efficiency" in our damn cell phones
12) I want propaganda written on the walls all over the world
13) I wish graffitti was legal
14) I wish people talked to me about their problems without me starting the conversation
15)I am so scared I may not be able to save someone I care about, I care about strangers.
16) I fear being encapsulated by the loss of someone.
17) I see so much beauty in death
18) I see only sadness and helplessness in suicide, that I can remedy.
19) I fear that one day I will know everything there is to know (What an ignorant conception)
20) I fear that I will not notice your warnings
21)I fear that I will never amount to anything
22) I fear that I am not strong enough physically to handle this mind
23) I love my family and my friends and I cry all the time in fear of losing them
24) This is a natural feeling
25) I find talking about suicide easier than talking about sex.
26) I worry that my kids will think of me as a renouncer of someone elses ideas
27) I'm no longer scared if you judge me
28) I live my life everyday for me, even though I don't always wanna get out of bed in the morning
29)I often wish that I was better at manipulating numbers so that I could generalize like everyone else.
30) I wish I went through to be a surgeon
31) I wish that I didn't fall into the stagnancy of university life
32) The more I go to school the more I hate school
33) I called someone ignorant today and in doing so I realized the ignorance within myself, and it was filled with guilt and understanding "never to be ignorant"
34) We are guilty of illogical fallacy
35) I realized today that I am more beautiful and powerful on the inside and that I stress about showing it.
36) I realize I struggle with so many thoughts...
1) I am merely a mortal with an assumption in my heart that I can create Change.
2) I committed suicide to my old self and somehow woke up enlightened
3) Number 2 has me questioning the existence of a path designated by something other than myself.
4)One day I may have to come to an understanding that Perhaps I'm the only one who sees the world this way...
5)Maybe None of my thoughts are the products of a creative mind.
6)How I let it get so bad... and why I didn't ask for help
7)"People die to solve problems they can’t solve by themselves; help them solve the problem and you can save a life."
8) This training will change the lives of others and myself.
9)I don't know why I have taken on the worlds largest responsibility... The power of the Gatekeeper.
10) I wonder if I survived to prove it gets better
11) I've thought of the progression of the world, a million people die every damn year all over the world of suicide and the first thing we are worrying about is the size and "efficiency" in our damn cell phones
12) I want propaganda written on the walls all over the world
13) I wish graffitti was legal
14) I wish people talked to me about their problems without me starting the conversation
15)I am so scared I may not be able to save someone I care about, I care about strangers.
16) I fear being encapsulated by the loss of someone.
17) I see so much beauty in death
18) I see only sadness and helplessness in suicide, that I can remedy.
19) I fear that one day I will know everything there is to know (What an ignorant conception)
20) I fear that I will not notice your warnings
21)I fear that I will never amount to anything
22) I fear that I am not strong enough physically to handle this mind
23) I love my family and my friends and I cry all the time in fear of losing them
24) This is a natural feeling
25) I find talking about suicide easier than talking about sex.
26) I worry that my kids will think of me as a renouncer of someone elses ideas
27) I'm no longer scared if you judge me
28) I live my life everyday for me, even though I don't always wanna get out of bed in the morning
29)I often wish that I was better at manipulating numbers so that I could generalize like everyone else.
30) I wish I went through to be a surgeon
31) I wish that I didn't fall into the stagnancy of university life
32) The more I go to school the more I hate school
33) I called someone ignorant today and in doing so I realized the ignorance within myself, and it was filled with guilt and understanding "never to be ignorant"
34) We are guilty of illogical fallacy
35) I realized today that I am more beautiful and powerful on the inside and that I stress about showing it.
36) I realize I struggle with so many thoughts...
Day 34: Glass Walls and Confidence
Often I wonder what this world would be without walls. Without restraints and unbiased sight. I suppose I mean walls within the psyche more so than those of the distal world. There is something inside me that intends to break down walls and remove shackles. Often I feel like this world was meant to be destroyed and rebuilt by me, what an absurd thought, who am I but a simpleton, but perhaps I have a way of conjuring empathy and enlightenment in others. I often worry that perhaps I lived a sheltered life in the wrong way, that I was never exposed to god or to other things that made me less resilient, more sure. Who am I to designate the necessity for change. Who am I to plant seeds of impending growth. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?I am Cecilia Lumley,
I am the future. As are you. I will protect my children before they are born.
Day 33: I miss you
You left today, left me for a few weeks, and although you've only been gone 9 hours I already miss you so much. I don't think it is fair for a wife to be away from her husband. I hate going to bed without you, it seems so lame, 3 weeks without you in our bed. I wish you didn't have to leave, I wish you always stayed, I know this is good for us but I hate not having your hand to hold while I'm sleeping. Hate not having a kiss in the morning, waking up to the sound of you opening your closet to get your tie or belt. I miss you not being here to encourage me, hug me, love me, cuddle me to sleep..I miss your fingers in my hair, your kisses on my cheek.
Fuck I miss you.
Fuck I miss you.
Day 32: Writing Until My Fingers Bleed.
I'm going to talk on a few topics. I'm not sure when or where in this page I will stop writing. I want to write until my fingers bleed. It seems as though I spend so much time behind a screen. A screen that punctures the lens of my eyes and radiates into my primary visual cortex.
I see so much with my eyes. I see beauty, power, change, love, indifference and empathy. I see myself encouraging my gatekeeper superstitions. There is beauty in the attainment of faulted end. There is so much beauty and light in this world, a world so destructed and dark. I want to make people uncomfortable when I say things like the world needs change, that a new bible titled empathy should be read by everyone. I want to make you uncomfortable when I talk about death.
If I were to expose all my thoughts, my arrogances my alliances and downfalls I'd be a woman naked to the world. However, I, see this world as a greeting place for honesty and full exposure.
I am to busy to write as much as I`d like to :(
I see so much with my eyes. I see beauty, power, change, love, indifference and empathy. I see myself encouraging my gatekeeper superstitions. There is beauty in the attainment of faulted end. There is so much beauty and light in this world, a world so destructed and dark. I want to make people uncomfortable when I say things like the world needs change, that a new bible titled empathy should be read by everyone. I want to make you uncomfortable when I talk about death.
If I were to expose all my thoughts, my arrogances my alliances and downfalls I'd be a woman naked to the world. However, I, see this world as a greeting place for honesty and full exposure.
I am to busy to write as much as I`d like to :(
Day 31: One Years and Still Counting!
I love my bubsaroo, and I wish I still had the video of you and I talking about this time last year.
Day 30: You Can Get Better!
My Email: cecilialumley@hotmail.com
Support is everywhere! If you or a friend is thinking of suicide or is having a hard time and may be facing depression please contact a local mental health professional or call 1-800-suicide, people are willing to listen, just ask for help <3
Support is everywhere! If you or a friend is thinking of suicide or is having a hard time and may be facing depression please contact a local mental health professional or call 1-800-suicide, people are willing to listen, just ask for help <3
Day 29: I Don't Want to Lose You.
I put myself in a place of vulnerability when you are vulnerable, because I know what it is like to be alone. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. We all feel alone sometimes, but we can be alone together and talk even while saying nothing.
Will it be worth it to break? How vulnerable should I leave myself? I want to help, I want to learn, I want to live, I don't want to lose you...
Day 28: If God Believes in Himself.
 |
| Let Go, Let God? |
How am I to believe in a God that may not even believe in himself?
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