Honesty, honestly

I have felt like complete worthless crap today and can't seem to get out of this bad mood. I've thought about how I was a coward, an idiot, a loser, a fake, a vain bitch and a doppleganger of the girl I used to be. Life isn't always peachy and I'm not going to pretend I'm always a happy fuckin person. I pride myself on my honesty and the fact that I have no walls, the truth? That's all a lie I probably have the most fucked up form of abandonment issues, I have a HUGE problem with depression that won't go away and yet I'm still always smiling. He makes my smiles real. But he's not going to always be around when I need a hug. I know that life is a bitch and then you die. Sometimes I wonder if I had killed myself when I was younger if I would have been able to surpass all the bullshit I've dealt with. I wonder if I had never felt success if I'd always feel like such a failure. To all my friends and my lover reading this. I'm okay. I just need to fucking breathe but I feel like I've forgotten how.

Why was I stupid enough to spend three years with him? why was I stupid enough to think it would be better the second time? Why was I stupid enough to let myself get to that point? Why was I stupid enough to think death was an option? Why was I stupid enough to think I was a coward for not going through with it? Why did I wake up that day to the sun and why the fuck am I still pushing through all this fucking bullshit? I can hope and pray that everything will work out. I feel like I'm always destined to cry, and always destined to ball up on my living room floor and cry like a fucking suicidal moron.

It's easy to get anxious and stressed over the littlest things, mostly decimals. It's easy to get depressed over the simplest things, mostly money, the past. I want to make sure I'm okay in the next few years but is it worth the feeling of worthlessness everytime I try..?

I'd like to say I could end this journal with a simple "And that's what makes like so beautiful" But I'd be fucking lying.

I'm giving up and going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
The sun will rise, and I will fall.

Don't be worried. I'll always fight because I'm too strong to give up.