Honesty, honestly

I have felt like complete worthless crap today and can't seem to get out of this bad mood. I've thought about how I was a coward, an idiot, a loser, a fake, a vain bitch and a doppleganger of the girl I used to be. Life isn't always peachy and I'm not going to pretend I'm always a happy fuckin person. I pride myself on my honesty and the fact that I have no walls, the truth? That's all a lie I probably have the most fucked up form of abandonment issues, I have a HUGE problem with depression that won't go away and yet I'm still always smiling. He makes my smiles real. But he's not going to always be around when I need a hug. I know that life is a bitch and then you die. Sometimes I wonder if I had killed myself when I was younger if I would have been able to surpass all the bullshit I've dealt with. I wonder if I had never felt success if I'd always feel like such a failure. To all my friends and my lover reading this. I'm okay. I just need to fucking breathe but I feel like I've forgotten how.

Why was I stupid enough to spend three years with him? why was I stupid enough to think it would be better the second time? Why was I stupid enough to let myself get to that point? Why was I stupid enough to think death was an option? Why was I stupid enough to think I was a coward for not going through with it? Why did I wake up that day to the sun and why the fuck am I still pushing through all this fucking bullshit? I can hope and pray that everything will work out. I feel like I'm always destined to cry, and always destined to ball up on my living room floor and cry like a fucking suicidal moron.

It's easy to get anxious and stressed over the littlest things, mostly decimals. It's easy to get depressed over the simplest things, mostly money, the past. I want to make sure I'm okay in the next few years but is it worth the feeling of worthlessness everytime I try..?

I'd like to say I could end this journal with a simple "And that's what makes like so beautiful" But I'd be fucking lying.

I'm giving up and going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
The sun will rise, and I will fall.

Don't be worried. I'll always fight because I'm too strong to give up.

I'm happy to know you'll be at the end of both these

When I'm feeling down and need some inspiration I call on this little girl to help me out!

Grow Old With Me

The sound of your breath in my ear as we make love makes my blood undulate into my quickly beating heart. Often the feeling makes me want to cry tears of happiness or giggle like it's my first time. You're such an Awe-ful lover. It always feels like something is speeding up and slowing down at the same time... Grow old with me.

It's like lightening crashing through the sky, a large amount of electricity (electric energy; thought) pushing apart molecules (People).

I never have enough time to write. In terms of the amount of time I spend thinking in comparision to writing? The writing doesn't add up to 1 percent of my conscious awareness. I've always wanted someone to record my thoughts, to be the stenographer of my consciousness. They could write down every word, every sentence, every thought.. Leave out the socially unacceptable ones, selfish ones, the judging and jealous ones. Eugene Ionesco once wrote "Ideologies seperate us dreams and anguish bring us together." ... Maybe sometimes dreams and anguish seperate people as well. I look at my family and wonder sometimes whether it is the selfishness that burdens our relationships or merely our individual pains. Does a selfish dream ruin a marriage? Does the anguish of being apart push people further from one another? ... Dear Eugene... Did you ever wonder what people with the same ideals could achieve? Forever and a day, forever and a google and a millium?

What is it that makes humans seperate? Is it the pressure? It's like lightening crashing through the sky, a large amount of electricity (electric energy; thought) pushing apart molecules (People).

I don't think it is purely ideology. I think it is nothing but decision to respect or disrespect. To empathize or to be egocentric.

I've pushed some away... and I'll always keep them at arms distance. Perhaps because we do not share the same dreams or personal anguish but also because I cannot respect or empathize as I have hardened to you and I have been able to become desensitized by your lack of emotionality and compassion. It makes me sound like I am intellectuallizing my relationships, friendships, burdens... And I am. But I am human and I also have the right to rationalize my thoughts. Although I may cry in the arms of my lover and my family members, my friends and my pets I will also smile knowing the ones that matter will always be there, for they are truely meant to be with me, and its not simply because we have common dreams or anguish. But because we empathize and respect one another. And that's what makes life so GODDAMN beautiful.

Late Nights.

It seems like every moment I spend alone, the late nights, I'm learning more and more about myself. I no longer worry about "Who I am" because there is no way to classify me. It's a beautiful feeling. I'm not an addict, a cutter, a 'goth', an angry teenager, an angry girlfriend, gullible, juvinille.. I'm no longer any of these versions of myself. I'm just me. Regular, boring, sober, intelligent, cuddly, genuine, honest me. And I wouldn't have it any other way. This person I see in the mirror now doesn't ask herself why, what if or who would care. The person I see is a woman prepared to take on anything and a person who now allows herself to love and be loved. It's sad how I don't want anyone to read this.. Anyone that could judge me. Maybe I'm not always confident, and sometimes I know that people will frown or be hurt by my honesty. But I've learned to hold it in, it shows me my own strength. Any negativity is a hinderence. The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

How Amazing Life is Sober

When I was younger I used to go to bed early during the school year and was up late during the summer. Now it is the opposite.. I stay up late during the school year to study and I go to bed early in the summer to get rest.

I keep suprising myself when I realize how amazing life is sober.

"Why didn't you tell them?"

Because I would have rather been dead than be judged.

I'm happy to say now that the only judgement that matters is my own and that I will choose to tell others when I've reached the point of shivers and discontentment.

Good night all!

But I'm a human, not a sandwich.

Do you give to make yourself feel better? Do you ever feel like your kindness is taken advantage of? I'm happy and lucky enough to know that the friends I have are beautiful people and kind people. And I know that the friends I have lost in the past, the friends I've left behind are nothing but stale. I am happy to know that my life is like a sandwich all the best is in the middle, not between the slices of past and future, but now. I will always appreciate those that appreciate me and I will always appreciate you for being yourself.

I love you friendlings.

Electricity

What happens when we run out of metaphors? What happens when we run out of ways to say I love you?  Will there still be the static? This electricity? If the power goes out make love to me. Remember that between our words are spaces, spaces for new letters spaces for new emotions and firsts. And the best part there is so much said in silence and we are fine in the dark, soft finger tips, soft lips and emotional trips. Forever yours. You'll be the man I marry. Love cuppy.

The trail that I chose to break

Sometimes we wonder if we chose the right path. But I'm lucky and happy that I made the right choice when I walked towards you. I'll never forget I love you. You'll always be my number one, and I'll always want to om nom you.

I'm breathing you in today.

Perhaps one day all those that have chosen to fight will need a hug. Violence and depression... "Bullets are nothing but hardened tears". Find it within you, the empathy, the compassion, the courage to be the bigger one. You can be the reason others shine. I'll always smile if that smile is contagious. Communication can be used to aid in survival. FORGIVE SOMEONE TODAY.

Let.Others.Beauty.Surround.You.
Be strong.

...Do something everyday that scares you....
************
Going home for a few days to see the family and friends that made me a strong, stubborn, loving, freak I am today.

I'm Comin Home.

The trail that I chose to break

Sometimes we wonder if we chose the right path. But I'm lucky and happy that I made the right choice when I walked towards you. I'll never forget I love you. You'll always be my number one, and I'll always want to om nom you.

Good Morning Incubus

I love waking up to this. Drinkin tea; relaxing. Listening to my soft music and enjoying the fresh sun beaming through the window and the cold breezes pulling from the glimmering lake. Good Morning. :) Stats exam this afternoon. I need this week to start off well. I'm home sick. I didn't even call my mom on mothers day, my stupid phone sucks. I miss the comfort of home...................I MISS MY MOM.........................

And the words began to pour

She broke the levi and the words began to pour. The pressures ached and quaked the feelings of which she was sure. The pain and hope seemed to encapsulate her now and she did nothing but write it all down. I used to cover myself in bandaids, hand grenades and novacaine she used to cover herself in rainbows and spiderwebs and lidacaine. She`ll never stray I know this is true, because she has me, and I have you. I`d like to say shes my sister and my very bestfriend; but none of it does any justice because in te end shes my BBFFL and that she`ll always be.

I value your honesty, your courage and how amazing you are and how amazing you will be. Heres to a hundred million letters, and heres to a hundred million more.
And the best part... these ones aren`t projected on blood stained canvas, oh no, nothing but bright purples and greens.

Ì love you.

She knows how to believe, in futures.

Don't Panic!!

I feel like I have to tell myself everyday not to freak out and panic and lose my freakin mind... And I've figured out how to deal with all of it... All I have to remember is that the sun will rise tomorrow no matter what and I know that eventually everything will work out because I have that grip on succession. Sometimes money will get tight, sometimes friends won't like me, sometimes I won't be happy with what life is giving me, or what I have to take. But everything will be okay.



Just breathe. In. Out. In. Out.

Numbers versus Letters

I should be manipulating numbers, but I'd rather be manipulating letters. No amount of math can give us the true answers of life. You can never solve the 'problem' with numbers. But alas... Hours of statistical analysis here I come.

Snow Flakes on the Consciousness

It's snowing here again. I woke this morning thinking about how sometimes it feels like my mind has been covered in a damp blanket like the ground outside... Like my consciousness has been covered in a frozen layer and my body, like a blade of grass, has wilted under the weight it has left. Each snowflake is filled with individual beauty but if the time is never taken to examine each one for its unique and gorgeous qualities all that is seen is an annoyance and one more burden on the day. Every morning it feels like my purpose is growing, my strength and perseverance is gaining. Even though it is so gloomy outside today, I feel nothing but the sunshine through the windows and his kisses on my cheeks... That blanket has almost fully melted... and I'm coming back from the slumber I have many times been burdened by. But now, as I feel the snowflakes falling on my consciousness I know they will melt, and that although every snowflake carries a potential hurdle, I look at each one in its individual beauty and I know that it will soon melt and leave the ground moistened with a chance of growth and prosperity. I look out these windows, and there is snow, atleast I know it doesn't fall on my consciousness, if a snowflake gets stuck on my eyelashes, I can smile at the sparkles that once held me down.

These songs have always seemed so haunting. Enjoy.

Sparkling New Without Reprisal

It's like sitting in the middle of the ocean with nothing but your thoughts. With nothing to distract you and everything inside your head to avoid. Are you a person that would go crazy because of uncertainty? Do you have a shoreline to swim to, a person to wave to for help. We all face this feeling of internal isolation. And some of us may be our own worst enemy. If you had the chance to sit down alone and talk to the one person that you knew would be there when you were dying, to prepare them, would you? We're all alone on our death beds. Seize the opportunity to get to know the person that has the last honest opinion that matters, you. Don't let tomorrows chances pass you by because if you do, the time you spend on your death bed will be wasted on what ifs and not remember whens.