The past couple of months have been interesting from the outside perspective, I've seen tears, heard painful stories, and have seen people cry from laughter at her determination. I've also seen an amazing family sacrifice and give their time to their ill mother, grandmother, mother in law and friend. And they did an amazing job as a team. Working as a team can certainly have it's challenges, but as Sarah dimmed, her family shone brightly. And each and every one of them should be proud to have allowed their mother such a beautiful disembarkment. Last time I sat with Sarah she looked around the room at her sons and her daughter and said so softly to me "They grow so fast," and she paused "...so fast." And it really hit home as my nearly 9 month old sat beside me. She was making sure I heard her. And she looked so closely into my eyes and leaned forward as if she was asking if I did, she then nodded and looked up again at her children, her grandchildren and great grand child. I will always be sure to remember this moment, because for me, after not getting this conversation with my Great Grandmother it was important I truly heard her. On December 30th, 2015 Sarah Brocklehurst passed away peacefully surrounded by her loving family. She celebrated her 83rd birthday on December 19th, 2015 and had a bountiful Christmas with her family. Sarah (or Nan as I got to know her) was a beautiful person who welcomed me into her family. Above is a photo of her and her great grandson (My son, Loxton). In the short time I was able to get to know Sarah I realized a lot about what is important in life. Family. Family is 100% paramount. She was a shield for her children, a source of light, a movie date and a supporter of their dreams and wishes. She was a mother as am I, and I hope to raise my children as strong willed, passionate, loud and determined as hers. The night of her passing I prayed for her and her family, and I hoped she would pass exactly as she did, with minimal pain, with her family. Thank you so much Sarah, you've allowed me another family that I will cherish, if it were not for you and your husband I would not have my son and my husband, and my crazy father-in-law so thank you. You will be missed. Hugs. I hope you enjoy the time with your family, and that you catch up quickly. 

Grave Reminders

There is something about death that inevitably makes you question your own mortality and purpose. It makes you reflect on the people whom you've already lost and makes you blatantly aware of the losses you will likely feel. It makes you remember specific last moments with loved ones, friends, acquaintances and strangers. It begs you to ponder and recount your achievements and opportunities. It makes you hug longer and kiss more passionately. Death makes you cry, laugh, and scared. It makes you feel alive and well - mortal. It's an interesting fact that the only thing that is absolute is the ending of our story. They all end the same, you will be in the room, then you no longer will be. Quite similar to birth the number of people in a room can suddenly change.

I weep for those lost.

Remembrance day is always a tough time of year for me, for my family and for my country. For the past 8 years I have cried every year on November 11th. In 2007 I lost my great grandmother Marion Chambers she was just months shy of 86 years old. That year, on November 9th, I attended my school assembly in Remembrance of our fallen, and I cried, I hysterically cried... I didn't understand why at the time, it was just something about the ceremony that got me that year. I understand why now. The night of the 9th I had to work, it was a Friday, and I was going out of town that weekend to go see a University I was considering. After my shift I noticed that I had a missed call from my older sister Katie. I answered the phone, and unfortunately I was met with a conversation I hadn't prepared myself for. My mama had passed away in her sleep and Katie was calling to tell me. I remember sitting on the curb beside a car filled with my friends who were excited to go on a roadtrip, to a school 4 hours away. And I sat there, for what seemed like forever, talking to my sister, not wanting the conversation to end, let alone having had it begin. I took some time after we ended our call, I wiped away my tears and decided that I would go to North Bay anyways. I don't remember that weekend much... I just remember trailing away in thoughts while others partied. I remember feeling alone, scared and frustrated. I felt like I didn't get my good-bye. Every year I'd call my Mama on Remembrance day and thank her for her service. It was always a great conversation because she always told me a new story... This year I was angry I didn't get that phone call, I didn't get to say, "Bye Mama I love you, I'll talk to you next week". Instead if I had called her it would have been a long time waiting for staff to answer her phone. I had voicemails of her on my answering machine, for months I held onto the comfort of knowing her voice was right there... but wasn't. 

So every year on Remembrance day I weep. I weep because I miss my Grandmother and because I can feel the energy of remorse fall over my country. And this year, I cried in tradition. But this year was different, it was more difficult and painful. I sat and watched the ceremony on T.V. with my 7 month old son Loxton. As he shuddered in my arms as the cannons were fired I realized war is scary, for everyone.  As he sit quietly while the trumpeter play "The last post", I sob and hold him tightly. This year I realize that despite the fact that the war had touched my family and my life, I was never a child of war. I have never personally been harmed by war.

So this year I am more thankful than I have ever been in my life. I am so thankful to have choice, freedom and solace. I am thankful to be Canadian. I am thankful to be alive, in my beautiful home, with my beautiful family, sharing stories of a beautiful woman who we lost November 9th, 2007. I am thankful I have some of her features, and her caring nature. I am thankful to have the time to Remember.

Rest in Peace. Thank you to all that have faught and fight for my freedom.

Life is Beautiful. I(We) took a chance.

On April 6th, 2015. We welcomed our son Loxton James Brocklehurst into the world. That was nearly 6 months ago now. I have been caught up in something wonderful. I've had people say to me, in preparation of having a child: "You'll never be fully prepared". Whether that meant financially, emotionally, whether I've completed my goals, they'd say "you'll never feel ready." And it was kind of true. I was ready to have our son, we planned to have him, in fact I wished for him on a star, and a week later I conceived him. But what I wasn't prepared for was the absolute pouring of my soul into him. I am so in love. He is the best thing that has happened to me, and having his father be the best person I could have ever found for myself, I wasn't prepared. I often cry from Joy, that right there is a miracle. I am overwhelmed with the love a child brings into your life, they welcome love into your home. They cause families to connect, reflect, love exponentially and persevere. 

I am Happier than I ever thought I could be, and I truly wasn't Prepared for that.