Sometimes I feel like I don't believe in anything.

What seems like my life story in a video... *I know how dumb that sounds*

Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I could say a few names here, but it was up to me to let them get to me. So I have to say I've made my own life a living hell at times and I undoubtly have treated myself like shit in the past, allowing myself to not eat, to cut myself, to burn and erase my skin, to pierce myself, to tattoo myself, continue to eat poorly, to let people take advantage of me, to let people hurt me and make me feel "less than perfect".  So, the only person I will write here is Me.


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I'm having a really hard time with this one, no joking, I have been thinking about it for days for the specific person that has made my life worth living, and I realized... Everyone I've met has made my life worth living, whether they were family, lovers, friends, acquaintances, enemies etc... They all made me who I am, and if I wasn't myself life wouldn't be worth living, but how would I know better anyways, existentialism  for the win?

P.s Yes I was late posting this one, Shove it haha

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to deal with the pain of someone committing suicide after talking to me and knowing that I could have been the last person they talked to. I hope I never have to experience the death of Darryl or My parents. I hope I never have to be content or surrender to society. Unfortunately all these things are things that I may have to deal with down the line, but alas I will live on.


It's odd reading that back to myself, perhaps I am so afraid of certain possibilities that I may avoid to live a life all together, beware of such frailty.


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Moments of Awe.

Meagan and I were talking today about the simple things that allow us to escape the confines of hopelessness finding beauty and comfort in things so minuscule. We talked about waking up and eating a good breakfast with those that you love. We talked about finding time to breathe and let go of what technology forces us to cling to everyday. We talked about the miraculous nature of redemption and self-worth. But one thing truly allowed inspiration to flow through my chest today, as if by some strange fluke. On the way up to our University (Nipissing U) the Canadian shield lines the road, covered in names of those that graciously took a path of growth in our school, and often times the serene atmosphere allows one to separate themselves between the frustrations of home, the frustrations of school. We discussed the deer that often walk the paths, the rocks and hedges that surround the road and how much a simple glimpse of that non-man made beauty can really impact a day. It's almost as if everything else is obsolete and one must look and admire a species able to live without any binds of society, of isolation. Perhaps, as Darryl says, it is genetically part of us to inquire and inspect the animal. Perhaps as it is seen as a past holder of our survival, holding the meat that kept many of us living so many centuries ago. Perhaps we stare in amazement and perhaps jealousy. That feeling I get is near to the feeling of first love, that movement of energies in the chest, as if waves were flowing back and forth between my spine and my sternum. It really makes you value life, in all it's uniqueness. It's so fulfilling and enjoyable, something so simple.

Simplicity;
.... And that's what makes life so beautiful

Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.

I wanted to start this post off with something I've noticed as I think of all the requirements I need before I will give up and die. I have written 2 bucketlists, (two lists of what I want to do before I die) and my computer crashed a little while ago and I lost those lists, and I think it happened for a reason. I think we aren't supposed to hope to do things before we die, if we do we leave ourselves at risk of never truly being satisfied with our lives and may live like Ivan Illych and cry endlessly for 3 days as we are approaching death because we never truly achieve at that we would hope to. I've always been quite the pessimist but when it comes to the transition of life to death I'm rather realistic. I know I will die one day, and I can hope to achieve all of the things I want to before I die but, death is the one thing I cannot control, when it happens.. how it happens. And I know I am such a goal driven person that perhaps all of my hopes and dreams can never truly be fulfilled. I guess that's what makes life so beautiful to me, the idea of death.  But my idea of death will take a long time to explain to you guys so I will leave it for another time, if I don't die first. <3




Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Rant.

I'm sick and fucking tired of people killing eachother, so fucking damn stupid, I'm not gonna listen or find empathy if I'm dead fuck this stupid as world. You think religion and politics will save this world? Fuck you, you're ignorant.


You want your family to live? Lend a fucking hand? Want to save lives?Give a shit about someone other than yourself and stop being scared to promote positive change. It's not about being right anymore, it's about surviving, and people are dying every single day because people can't swallow their damn pride. I'm fuckin pissed it's like people choose to indoctrinate themselves with false hope and ignorance. People are DYING. as in DYING every day. Everyday, I'm sick of watching people die on the news, and I'm sick of trying to fix them everyday, I'm sick of people feeling unworthy of life because people isolate themselves for fear of judgement..


It is their choice and they can waste their time talking about things they've never seen and praying to things that don't exist. They can keep telling themselves that a better day will come and that they can sin all the want because there is good in the world because Jesus chose to take on their sins. That (if ever) was thousands of years ago. 
I work my ass off to support people in my own damn country I sure as hell do, And you know what I'm available to people all over the world for help, I'm there if I can find them, or they can find me. 


I
n all honesty I'm sick of people justifying their disgusting behavior, and taking advantage of the ignorant and broken. I'm not going to be "enlightened" I'm not going to find god, Because I'm not looking for someone that isn't going to help us. Have faith people tell me. Have faith in what that the world is filled with red buttons for selfish people to press. All because of what? Because they feel they are right? So encased in their blissful ignorance and facade of a perfect world. This world will never be a utopia, I've gotten over that fact. But all arms should be abolished. There are enough things to kill humans out there other than ourselves. And if god was to exist you can blame your damn selves for allowing all this shit and bringing on natural disasters. Do something nice for someone tomorrow, PLEASE anything, hold a door open, buy someone coffee, ask a frowning person if they are okay, and I bet you your outlook of life will be an enlightened one, don't pray for the beggar, buy him lunch and help him recover.





What's crazy is that we continue to rationalize and intellectualize and justify everything.. and soon there will be no room for empathy... And empathy and compassion are the only things stoping us from killing everyone on this earth..





Human's will be their own downfall and these words will never be read. They will lie tarnished in a land of ruin. And I will postulate these beliefs by simply looking in the mirror and noting my flaws, I will make use of these concepts by avoiding ideology. 






Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

I knew who I needed to write this to the second I read it. I need to forgive him for making fun of me for cutting myself, for not understanding that I needed help and not ridicule, he was one of my closest friends at that school and he was also my neighbor. I saw him a few weeks ago putting a t.v. into his car with his dad and I wanted to walk over and say hey but I didn't want to bug him. I remember hanging out in his basement, his backyard and kitchen. I remember us walking home together everyday during 8th grade. I remember him not understanding what I was going through at the time. And although he perhaps said it all in the wrong ways I knew he just wanted to make sure I was alright and perhaps that his way of showing he cared was by picking on me. I will never forget the teasing that went on between us, and I never want to, because he made me as strong as I am today and I have to have some kind of faith that he knew what he was doing.

I forgive you. Thank you.
Love Goth.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I not only have to forgive myself but I also have to forgive the people that sold me drugs when I was a teenager and the people who gave me my first drink. I've made it through okay now that they aren't around anymore. This life is confusing enough without a head that doesn't work. But I forgive myself for being dumb enough to think it was only a good time and that there we no risks and that I wasn't hurting anyone. It made me who I am today, for better or for worse.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 2 - Something that you love about yourself

I love a lot about myself, but if I were to choose something specific I'd have to say I love my ability to persevere. No matter what life throws at me I alway make it through alright and I always seem to come out a little bit more intelligent, given all the things I have faced in my life my ability to persevere is what I love the most about myself.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Day 1 - Something that you hate about yourself

I hate that I'm so pessimistic, I hate that nothing I do or say or get in this life will every be good enough for me. I hate so much about myself and this world often all I want is to be is dead. It's pathetic that I feel this way and that's what I hate about myself. All of the things that make me fail. All of the things that make me second guess everyone and everything around me. I hate that I'm starting to believe ignorance is bliss.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Starting a Writing Project:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself