Day 36: Choosing the Path Less Traveled

Siddhartha witnessed on these journeys which have been referred to as the Four Sights

·An Old Man – Siddhartha was informed that everyone grows old (youth does not last).

·A Sick Woman – Channa told Siddhartha that sickness could not be escaped;  it was part of our earthly existence (health is not permanent, physical suffering is an inevitable part of the Human Condition).

·A Dead Man – Siddhartha learnt that we all die, our physical bodies are finite.

·A Holy Man – Siddhartha discovered that a life of an ascetic appeared to be more peaceful/fruitful, despite being deprived of material possessions.

Day 35: Enlightenment and Entanglement

I've thought about a worlds worth of thoughts today, I'm constantly condensing, boiling, condensing my thoughts, these rational and irrational neuronal firings. Some thoughts that have stayed with me all day:


1) I am merely a mortal with an assumption in my heart that I can create Change.
2) I committed suicide to my old self and somehow woke up enlightened
3) Number 2 has me questioning the existence of a path designated by something other than myself.
4)One day I may have to come to an understanding that Perhaps I'm the only one who sees the world this way...
5)Maybe None of my thoughts are the products of a creative mind. 
6)How I let it get so bad... and why I didn't ask for help
7)"People die to solve problems they can’t solve by themselves; help them solve the problem and you can save a life."
8) This training will change the lives of others and myself.
9)I don't know why I have taken on the worlds largest responsibility... The power of the Gatekeeper.
10) I wonder if I survived to prove it gets better
11) I've thought of the progression of the world, a million people die every damn year all over the world of suicide and the first thing we are worrying about is the size and "efficiency" in our damn cell phones
12) I want propaganda written on the walls all over the world
13) I wish graffitti was legal
14) I wish people talked to me about their problems without me starting the conversation
15)I am so scared I may not be able to save someone I care about, I care about strangers.
16) I fear being encapsulated by the loss of someone.
17) I see so much beauty in death
18) I see only sadness and helplessness in suicide, that I can remedy.
19) I fear that one day I will know everything there is to know (What an ignorant conception)
20) I fear that I will not notice your warnings
21)I fear that I will never amount to anything
22) I fear that I am not strong enough physically to handle this mind
23) I love my family and my friends and I cry all the time in fear of losing them
24) This is a natural feeling
25) I find talking about suicide easier than talking about sex.
26) I worry that my kids will think of me as a renouncer of someone elses ideas
27) I'm no longer scared if you judge me
28) I live my life everyday for me, even though I don't always wanna get out of bed in the morning
29)I often wish that I was better at manipulating numbers so that I could generalize like everyone else.
30) I wish I went through to be a surgeon
31) I wish that I didn't fall into the stagnancy of university life
32) The more I go to school the more I hate school
33) I called someone ignorant today and in doing so I realized the ignorance within myself, and it was filled with guilt and understanding "never to be ignorant"
34) We are guilty of illogical fallacy
35) I realized today that I am more beautiful and powerful on the inside and that I stress about showing it.
36) I realize I struggle with so many thoughts... 

Day 34: Glass Walls and Confidence

Often I wonder what this world would be  without walls. Without restraints and unbiased sight. I suppose I mean walls within the psyche more so than those of the distal world. There is something inside me that intends to break down walls and remove shackles. Often I feel like this world was meant to be destroyed and rebuilt by me, what an absurd thought, who am I but a simpleton, but perhaps I have a way of conjuring empathy and enlightenment in others. I often worry that perhaps I lived a sheltered life in the wrong way, that I was never exposed to god or to other things that made me less resilient, more sure. Who am I to designate the necessity for change. Who am I to plant seeds of impending growth. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
I am Cecilia Lumley,   
I am the future. As are you. I will protect my children before they are born.

Day 33: I miss you

You left today, left me for a few weeks, and although you've only been gone 9 hours I already miss you so much. I don't think it is fair for a wife to be away from her husband. I hate going to bed without you, it seems so lame, 3 weeks without you in our bed. I wish you didn't have to leave, I wish you always stayed, I know this is good for us but I hate not having your hand to hold while I'm sleeping. Hate not having a kiss in the morning, waking up to the sound of you opening your closet to get your tie or belt. I miss you not being here to encourage me, hug me, love me, cuddle me to sleep..I miss your fingers in my hair, your kisses on my cheek.

Fuck I miss you.

Day 32: Writing Until My Fingers Bleed.

I'm going to talk on a few topics. I'm not sure when or where in this page I will stop writing. I want to write until my fingers bleed. It seems as though I spend so much time behind a screen. A screen that punctures the lens of my eyes and radiates into my primary visual cortex.
          
I see so much with my eyes. I see beauty, power, change, love, indifference and empathy. I see myself encouraging my gatekeeper superstitions. There is beauty in the attainment of faulted end. There is so much beauty and light in this world, a world so destructed and dark. I want to make people uncomfortable when I say things like the world needs change, that a new bible titled empathy should be read by everyone. I want to make you uncomfortable when I talk about death.
        
           If I were to expose all my thoughts, my arrogances my alliances and downfalls I'd be a woman naked to the world. However, I, see this world as a greeting place for honesty and full exposure.

I am to busy to write as much as I`d like to :(
        

Day 31: One Years and Still Counting!

I love my bubsaroo, and I wish I still had the video of you and I talking about this time last year.

Day 30: You Can Get Better!

My Email: cecilialumley@hotmail.com
Support is everywhere! If you or a friend is thinking of suicide or is having a hard time and may be facing depression please contact a local mental health professional or call 1-800-suicide, people are willing to listen, just ask for help <3

Day 30: You Gotta Keep Your Head Up, I Know its Hard

Day 29: I Don't Want to Lose You.

I put myself in a place of vulnerability when you are vulnerable, because I know what it is like to be alone. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here. We all feel alone sometimes, but we can be alone together and talk even while saying nothing. 

Will it be worth it to break? How vulnerable should I leave myself? I want to help, I want to learn, I want to live, I don't want to lose you...

Day 28: If God Believes in Himself.

Let Go, Let God? 

         Perhaps I will attempt to approach the debate of a "presence of God" in a way I never have before, my first instinct is to ask how a god could exist to a world so succumbed to war and famine. My second is to question whether god is proud of what he has created. Perhaps god built us this way to learn. I'm nothing more than a skeptic so I assure you I won't be converting through the process of writing this. If God built me this way to learn he is a very authoritarian overseer. Low in love and compassion, high in control.  Often I wonder why wars begin in the name of a non-sentient being in a world so encapsulated by material things. How one concept has over shadowed them all for the contemptment and comfort of a community of those willing to partake. I once believed that only sinners look to god for hope, for blessing, for forgiveness. Now I think I'm looking at humanity for hope and blessings of forgiveness, I can no longer accept a world full of unrealistic altruism and martyrdom. Who am I to question the beliefs of my fellow man, who are they to question mine? I shall not believe in a God that has taken people so young, I shall not pray or bow to a concept that I, nor anyone, can comprehend. There are books of propaganda, asking you to follow the ways of a ignorant path, a path deviating from the true material world. Perhaps I should attempt to pull my mind away from my body, find time to connect with the world greater than ours, but in true forms only that which exists exists, and he who has not proven his participation in a world so callas does not envelope nor endure my consent. 

How am I to believe in a God that may not even believe in himself?

Day 27: Felicity and the Gatekeeper Inamorata.

"Continual success in obtaining those things which a man from time to time desireth, that is to say, continual prospering, is what men call felicity: I mean the felicity in this life. For there is no such thing as perpetual tranquility of mind where we live here; because life itself is but motion. and can never be without desire, nor without fear, no more than without sense." Sense to endure what we cannot change or clarify, for this life is constantly in motion, and although the mind is as well it often struggles to keep pace with the movement of knowledge.




You follow a path that society guides you down, but as we move into autonomy and solidarity in adulthood we find the pathway ends and we are standing on the edge of a cliff with the chance to fly or fall. I've been growing these metaphysical and metaphorical wings all my life, I'm ready to fly.

Day 26: The Consciousness of the Gatekeeper

Often the Gatekeeper does not let those that deserve the requiem past. Who am I to dictate a transitional stage of a being into the world of the omnipotent? I have received my sponsorship for my training to be a Suicide Prevention Interventionist, and I have completed Module 1, and I've already learned so much. Apparently those that protect those from death are named 'Gatekeepers' in the field... Quite fitting and so philosophically motivated. (above is the female gatekeeper butterfly) may I spread my wings and fly like her.

Day 25: Rant Your Heart Out

I'm always willing to listen.


We can't help the situations we get into, but we can help where we go. If you need a change starting thinking of your destination, I need you to go and write for an hour, I know it sounds odd, but go sit down and write about how you are feeling, what you want to do for yourself, what part you want this world to play. This life isn't easy.

We may not be able to always get what we want but we can sure as hell fight for it. You can be who you want to be, you don't have to look down on yourself. 

Life hands us obstacles to see how we can do and how much we can take and with every hurdle we jump we continue to gain speed and confidence to jump higher. 

You deserve an amazing life, and you know you can have and give everything deserved, but maybe others aren't ready. Often it's hard because maybe you don't feel ready either. If there is love in your hearts you guys can make it, just always stay true to what you believe, if you believe you need change, I want you to think about what kind of change you need!


I'm always moving towards the positive world.

It is estimated that there are at least 4.5 million suicide survivors in this country. I'm one of them. Today is International Suicide Survivors Day. Tell those you love how much you care, and that you are willing to listen, you can make a difference.

And if anyone understands that trying to find creativity in a world so constructed and confined to contentment in intellectualized ignorance it's me.

Keep fighting.

Day 24: A Constant Need to Help

Often I wonder if other people have a constant desire to help others, if it is a staple in their life like mine. I feel like helping others is a way to help myself... is that weird? I guess I just learn from other people's mistakes too..

Study group tomorrow, same thing with Sunday!
Intense Midterm seasons, sorry if the posts are inconsistent xox
Cecilia

Day 23: A Walk on the Bright Side

There always seems to be a line that divides the emotions of life, on one side we have depression, anxiety, remorse, rejection, facade and on the other side love, lust, empowerment and reality. We are constantly looking for the "path less traveled" the path that many others choose not to break. I wander occasionally in my mind hoping to find the predestination and boundaries of this path but it seems so unattainable with no time to gather my thoughts and energy.

Day 22: Discomfort in your Energies

            There seems to be a flow of energy surrounding those around me, a flow of energy stagnant with negativity. He pesters you, shows his inability to be controlled and emotionally content. I wonder the rationale in making oneself lonely and behind closed doors and isolated from the flux of society. You cannot make an adjustment without the availability of exposure.  Can a society so racked with pain and restlessness allow one to grow into a beautiful person without qualm?

Day 21: Change is the Only Constant.

It's funny how we are so scared of change, assuming that fear is found in the unfamiliar. But change is the only constant in this word. Change is the only thing I can guarantee other than death itself. But I refuse to be scared of change, there is only positivity in the discovery of self in change. I am not scared to become something new, envelope the nature of change.

To see the beauty in constancy and uniform motivation and movement.

Be the change you want to see in the world. The world is ever changing, allow it to change for the better.

Day 20: Can Wisdom Be The Greatest Asset?

Perhaps it is not the case that "Wisdom outweighs any wealth" especially when that wisdom keeps you from your shot at a life of fulfillment. We are taught that the most intellectual being is the most favourable but perhaps there should be a motion towards the most favourable being happy. We constantly beg and ask for answers without attempting to find it in ourselves. Who are we to ask this of a being who deserves the silence and refuge in their intellectual contempt and constraint.

There is space for us our there, regardless of our wealth of knowledge

Day 19: RAWR

If you never have been to University you will never know how much freaking stress and work it takes to get through the week. This week is going to be hectic! I'm thinking about entering into the Nipissing 3rd Annual Blog Contest... We will see how that goes. And I'm also still looking for sponsorship with the Imalive.org suicide prevention, I also have to apply for college, perhaps scholarships, AHHH stress

Day 18: Clarification lost.

Perhaps the problem in the search for happiness in a world so digested is a lack of courage to face the fact that this world is in shambles. We have caused this world to lose its clarity in simplicity. One may never find happiness in a world so disjuncted. We attempt to attain this ever changing mark of perfection.

Day 17: A Day After a Tribute

              Remembrance day has gone back into slumber, but the world is stirring. We cannot doubt that people are upset, that people feel as though they too were disrespected when their families aren't mourned but soldiers are. Humanity needs to take a page out of the book of love.  Others have lost people too.. We aren't the only ones that have lost loved ones in war, it may seem selfish for them to write banners like this: http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/Islam_Peace.htm, but it is also savage for us not to mourn the deaths of everyone. I can see where they are coming from, some of them have lost children, we lost people that primarily chose to go to war. I would eradicate war, I would make everyone feel empathy, and I would make everyone love one another... This isn't going to go peacefully. Remembrance Day isn't the only day that deserves mourning, ITS EVERYDAY! 
                 Who is there to help the innocent people around the world that are murdered from personal agendas? I think it was disrespectful that they chose to choose violence like everyone else has. There can be a change in this world, and retaliating isn't going to help. I hope the world figures this out, because I don't want to die, and noone deserves to. I'm not going to lie. I was disgusted when I saw this, and I will not remain silent. But I will not let my emotions get the best of me, because I don't know the pain they feel in their hearts, Something really bad happened to these people, some HURT them. Imagine you getting to the position to write such hateful things on boards like that. It isn't about religion to them anymore, religion is just the avenue in which they choose to speak, some choose bombs, some choose words, some choose unpeaceful demonstrations. This world will not change if we aren't willing to change with it. I will never think a religion is the problem, people disagreeing is the problem. There is so much beauty in religion (mind you I'm agnostic). I refuse to allow people to think that violence or anger, or catharsis will solve this. 

                  I just wish we could have one day of peace. JUST ONE DAY SO EVERYONE REALIZES HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS, AND WOULD STOP FIGHTING. But I can't so I do it in small ways. I am not judging you, and I'm not judging them, this is painful to watch, a woman who loves her home country against people who want peace and to love theirs... It's worth tears. A day after remembrance day and I bet it won't be a discussion topic until next year this time. People need to realize that we don't have to be like this, but people are often limited to their ignorance and eventually ignorance is overshadowed by arrogance. I just want world peace. And I don't care if it sounds like a pageant platform, people need to wake up.

LOVE IS THE ANSWER. WAR SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A QUESTION.

Day 16: Remember

Remember those of which who were stronger than you and who could do what you refuse to. I thank you for everything you did, everything that is being done. I am sorry for the loss of all people involved in war, I'm sorry anyone has died, I'm sorry I couldn't intervene. I would eradicate war. Often I wish humanity wasn't so anthropocentric, ethnocentric, and obsolete in spiritually. I hold solace for those that choose to be hurt in wars over private agendas.


I'm sorry, and again thank you.


Cecilia
R.I.P.

Day 15: Unabashedly Insecure Ignorance

I feel like I will never be able to rid you of your intelligence, and often I feel as though I am to weak to become stronger than an average devotee. Everyday I wonder what's next, but you already have a head start and you are always a week ahead. It's okay to live in the present moment, it's okay to hold some truth in ignorance. Knowledge is not consistent or reliable however sociability can be.

Don't be scared to fall.

Day 14: Suicide Prevention Training

Hey Guys,

So, I am currently looking for sponsorship in Suicide Prevention training.
The Kristin Brooks Hope Center, To Write Love On Her Arms and PostSecret have partnered together to launch IMAlive, the first live online crisis network with 100% of its staff certified and trained in crisis intervention.

Please follow the link, if you cannot support me , It's okay! Read my Bio, and if you could help I would really appreciate it and will make sure your money is well spent.
Even if you want to donate 50 cents it will help!

https://www.preventsuicide.us/99club/personal_pages.php?ppid=513

Day 13: Uninspired

Perhaps it is the material to which I am expected to regurgitate but so simply put I'm feeling greatly uninspired. The lack of excitement in this field is daunting. But it's 11:11 and my wish is to finish this paper on Change detection (SEEE INTERESTING RIGHT!?)

Day 12: Symbols of my time

This entry may be ever growing, for it is the most beautiful part of who I am, a part I will never give up, a piece of my flesh, a piece of my heart. This tattoo is my statement towards peace, my respect for those fallen. I have a hard time identifying with the idea of using a white poppy as a new image for the hope of peace, when this symbol this beautiful incarnation of respect is to me. Today is the first day that I will begin a project when everyday I will introduce a piece of my soul to you, an object that means more than the world that I live in. The Buddhists say not to allow your soul to be burdened by materialistic objects, but these objects are merely a reflection of my heart and not only a materialistic "things" these are part of me. I hope to get to know you more everyday

R.I.P Marion Chambers,

You will never be forgotten. 9/11/07

Day 12: New Series Coming Soon!

It seems as though I've missed a day, boo, I'm so predictable, but I have decided I'm going to do a Memento Mori series. So prepare to see things that mean the world to me :)

Day 11: Todays Horoscope . . .

At the end of the day, you're the one who has to look in the mirror and know who you are, Gemini. Think about this the next time you're tempted to make a rude comment or spread a displeasing fact about someone else. One side of you may be able to rationalize behavior that the other side simply despises. Today look at both of sides of yourself, not just the one that please you.

Day 10: The Future is Hard to See

Day 9: Educational Fallacy

Education is pointless if you're not learning. It's not the teachers or the social situations can only help you learn, but most importantly it's your willingness to succeed and endure. We learn from thinking outside the box, perhaps we are just thinking in another box... Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

School is tiring

Sincerely

Me

Day 8: Distractions That Keep Me From Being Distracted

Almost forgot about you today silly blog. I shall conquer you like I've been conquering my obstacles. Time warp to tomorrow.

Day 7: Knowledge as Ironic Ignorance