The Spark/The Cage

Most writers will understand me when I say that sometimes a moment, when all you want to do is write, is started with a spark. A spark ignited by some feeling, some necessity, to get things down on paper. It's been a long time since I've written not only on this blog but in general unless I was writing some random paper for school.
       There are so many enlightening moments I've been going through lately, and the sad thing is I don't know if it's because of the drugs or because I've begun looking at everything a little differently. I want to be able to say that everything is better now, that I don't cry and that I don't feel depressed and although in part this is true I can't help but feel I am shedding the parts of me that make me feel alive sometimes. In a sick and sad way I only feel alive when I am in the pain of depression, it's one of the only feelings I can rely on, the only one that has been constant and consistent. 
       I started taking drugs for my depression and anxiety, and it's weird but I feel like I've removed a very important part of myself, the place where my empathy comes from. But it's also helped me to relax and calm my anxiety, but don't think you can't do it without the medication, I just got to a point where I thought I couldn't survive anymore, nor did I want to...

I think I'm scared of being completely me.
(But I definitely don't know how to be anything different)


I used to be okay with being "me" being confident in all of my choices and that inevitably led me into a path of being scared to live, but I guess that was his fault and not mine... It's funny how that works.


I don't want to lead a life that is primed and sequestered. I never wanted to.


I want to cause that spark in people... That little bit of inspiration. Like I used to, like I used to cause in myself.


I'd have to be happy to that again, and somehow find a sense of satisfaction and reward.


It's time for me to let go, I'm sick of being the cage and the abused. Only I have the key, only I have the key.