Day 51: That Moment of Clarity When You Have Lost Grasp of Your Sanity.

I always thought that I could be someone today. I always thought I'd be dead or together by now... I never thought I'd be here, stuck in the liminality of unsure and hesitant actions. I never thought I'd be shy, overcome by obstacles, caught in my insecurities, scared to succeed. I feel like a lot of pressure is constantly on me to do better. And even if you may empathize you can never feel this way. 

         What a stupid thought, scared by your fears. Absolutely absurd; but thats what I've always been.

I can't find the launching the pad, and as I constantly sift through the fields, taking paths less traveled I still find myself here. In the land of discontentment and ignorance. 

I'm sorry to write the way I do, the words don't make much sense to me either sometimes.

It's the "cognitive decline" that I face in a world expecting one to be on a constant incline towards knowledge and success, both of which cannot be accurately graded.

I should have never come to University, but now I'm stuck here, forced to think like they do. Forced to think like society deems is applicable for a person my age, of my quality of thoughts. 

There is more to me than grades, than my syntax, my agreeance, my appetites, my aversions. There is no calm for the living...

I want to discuss the idea of a vacation, an idea of removing yourself from all that is "life" while staying alive. It perhaps is bad that I consider death my true time for a "vacation". Perhaps it will confuse you when I say that I love my life and I love being me, but I hate living. I hate all that comes with it, I don't want to believe in reincarnation, heaven, hell, anything past this life. Past this torture, this suffering. The Hindis and Buddhists have it right... Don't fool yourself, this world is full of suffering and you have a duty to live and perpetuate the suffering. As Thomas Hobbes said, life may be centered in the midst of ones own "preservation of his . . . nature". Then why is it that we act recklessly, live without abandon, smoke, drink, fuck and die while so eager to live but never to die. There is almost a remorse humans feel for being human a resistance to the "throwedness" of this life. Throwing us around, fucking with our "reasoning" and rational minds. 

Want to know the most unintelligent thing I said today? "Have Faith" -- We might be out of control of this life but we are not helpless.

Thank you Alain Carlson and Cedric Maltais for getting me to think a lot today :)