I guess the reason I never write or talk about hope is because it is my most coveted and prized item. Hope is what gets me up in the morning and keeps me going through out the day. Recently I've been wondering how much hope a person can hold within themselves, how much hope a person can use as a barrier between their heart and utter destruction. I feel that often people think that I have it under control, that I have a constant surplus of hope, of strength and advice.I've been worrying a lot lately, not about jobs, education, volunteering, money, home, groceries and all the other extraneous things that life often throws at you. I've been worried about hope. Perhaps it sounds funny to think that hope means more to me than anything in this world. Hope is what makes me see beauty in the world. Without hope an inhale on the shoreline doesn't seem as faithful. Without hope I can never "hope things will be okay" I can no longer hope that things will turn out better. Hope is what has made me a reverberation of love.
But I've not always believed in hope, hope has not always been there for me.
I want you to know that out of all of the posts I have ever posted on this site, this is the one that is the most personal. I've had my experiences with hopelessness. I've sat alone in times of great loss, in times of great pain and remorse, of hatred, of regret. I had no hope that people would come and help me. I have sat with metal pressed against my skin.. believing I was going to find my help in steel. Believing that the pain made me feel. That the pain made me feel alive. I have cried to the point of being scared to look in the mirror, I have felt unlimitless and shattering amounts of hopelessness.
I sat on the edge of a bathtub almost 6 years ago, I sat alone, alone on the side of that bathtub. All that I had with me was silence, no hope. I fell in-tranced to the beauty of death. I felt like it would never get better for me, that I would always be alone and I would never know what hope was, and at that point I felt like hope was a concept I'd never understand. I almost died that day... and I can never take that day back. I can never take the scars back. I was lucky enough to have something that made me get out of that tub and wrap my arms in toilet paper. I was so weak... I can never take that back. I can never take back that moment of true hopelessness. I don't remember how but I woke up the next morning on the couch, all I can remember is sliding against the walls to get there. I have gone through moments since then that I had wish that I hadn't woken up the next day... But I've also had days that I was thankful the sun was shining so bright that morning that it woke me up.
I woke up, feeling the sting of my arms and legs, asking me to relax and let them heal. I went to the bathroom that morning and peeled off all of the toilet paper soaked in blood and shame. I threw them out in the garbage, and for the first time looked at myself in the mirror since I let myself get so depressed. So much happened that day, I threw out all of my blades, my piercing needles, and someone asked me to stop hurting myself... People used to make fun of me for cutting... Made fun of me for being hopeless and helpless, that it was my fault I was so depressed that I was so pissed off at the world. And maybe there is some truth in that, but all I needed and wanted was the tiniest bit of hope... And that day I found that hope. I found it in myself to move forward and vow never to hurt myself, but not for him, for me.
The few months following I forced myself to make new friends, quit doing drugs, quit feeling like a worthless piece of shit, do better in school, start volunteering. I guess that's what has made me who I am today.
Some people may think that all of the shit that I went through when I was younger made me look weak, or thats how they made me feel, but after all my sores had healed I stopped hiding them. I stopped cutting my socks to wear them around my wrists, I stopped wearing as many bracelets I could find, I stopped always wearing long sleeve shirts, I stopped worrying about what others would think.
6 years later and it still hurts. I guess not a lot has changed since then. I grew up, I went to university, I met the man of my dreams... I learned from my mistakes. But every once in a while I have to remind myself what hope is, and where to find it.
Times have gone from bad to good and back again, I have found the strength every day to get up and go, to wake up to reality, to face it head on and find hope in the simplest of things. Recently I've been so stressed out that I've lost sight of what I need in my life and that is hope. I have dealt with so much negativity, sadness and stress. And as I work towards being a Suicide/Crisis Prevention Specialist I keep having to remember why I want this job so bad. I want to help someone. I want to help someone choose life over death, I want to be the person to ask the right questions, give the right kind of support, give someone hope...
Hope. Hope. Hope.
This world will never escape me because it is my savior. It was the only thing that makes me thing that there is a god. I found hope in a hopeless situation and I have nothing more than empowerment now. I need to do this to help people I can't keep talking about it, I need to help people. I need to be a hero, I need people to know that there is hope and help, there are reasons to live...
No one will ever feel this pressure in my chest that I get every time I see someone on the streets begging for money, when I see someone sitting alone crying, when I see someone I don't know all alone... There is something in me that tells me to talk to strangers, to help them. I know it may seem impossible to help everyone.. but I don't think it is. You may be laughing right now, and it's okay to lose faith, but don't lose hope. Losing hope is the worst thing you can do to yourself. I fear losing hope all of the time, I fear not being strong when someone needs me to be. I've made myself this person for a reason and only now am I beginning to understand why.
I change my mind all the time, wondering if I am going in the right directions, as I think of little steps to make me better at what I'll one day do to help others. I have been a complete bitch to the man I love recently because I don't know how to deal with all of this pressure. And I want to apologize to him. I love him more than anything in the world and often he is my greatest source of hope.
It gets better. Stay true to yourself, take care of yourself... You can get stronger, you can become anything you want to. You can kick ass at anything and kick down doors to universes you never thought existed...
I hope I can be who I am. I hope I can make a difference.
If you or someone you know is feeling hopeless and is in need of an ear please ask them to call 1 800 Suicide. People want to help you regain hope, please let them. When you feel better come join my team, we can end Suicide.
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